Boinkette

The best part of politics: because they're all screwing us anyway.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Reader contest!

After riffing a bit on Rude Pundit's idea of a "Senator Fellatio Smackbottom," I thought about coming up with some sexual senatorial names of my own. But then I figured, why do the dirty work when I can make my readers do it? After all, I am on vacation, and my poor dirty mind needs a rest.

So, dear readers, this is your chance to contribute to the politico-sexual discourse you know and love.

Just come (pun intended) up with a few racy congressional nomenclatures, and leave them as comments under this post.

I'll compile all the entries (pun intended again--I amuse myself way too much with the English language) in a new post. The coolest one will get a Golden Boinkette award. I don't know yet what that is, but it's probably something you can replace your trusty cucumber/zucchini/ear of corn with.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

As for Senator Fellatio Smackbottom...

Wasn't he the one who beat the other Senator over the head with a cane on the Senate floor?

Nothing like a little Senatorial S&M to get a country going.

Picture of the Day

Hey Condi, nice volleyballs.

Never thought of it this way

Rude Pundit has been thinking too hard (pun intended, of course) about Senatorial nomenclatures:

Since we've heard from Harry Reid (who really has the most pornographic name in the Congress since Senator Fellatio Smackbottom back in the 1890s)...

Well, there is Dick "Go Fuck Yourself" Cheney, but I guess the VP as President of the Senate doesn't count...

Wow

Most amusing thing ever:

I Fucked Ann Coulter In the Ass, Hard

‘What do you think,’ she began provocatively, ‘of the President’s plan to privatize Social Security?’
I sighed with relief; this was as sure a promise to seal the deal as her asking if I had a condom.
‘I think it’s a payoff to the Americans the President has always been most intent on pleasing: the richest 1%.’
‘What do you mean?’ she cooed. I noticed her nipples hardening once more. She dropped to her knees in front of me. She pushed me backwards and positioned my legs up in the air.

Follow the link for more...sure, Social Security is a huge turn-on (give me that TRUST FUND!! oh yeah) but Ann Coulter? Let's just say it takes a brilliant mind to create a story about fucking Ann Coulter that's funny enough to outweigh the sheer vomitrociousness of the concept.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Some much-needed perspective

oHarmony

Why I love Electablog:



Mmm, lubrication...

Quote of the Day

"The Vatican put up the pope's email address on their Web site. I didn't even know the pope had an email address. It's a step up. The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy." --Bill Maher

Monday, April 25, 2005

Too good not to post

It's not actually dirty--and it's too true to be very funny--so I won't bother reposting any of it here, but Rude Pundit's Dear John letter to Catholicism is just too good not to mention. Thou shalt check it out.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Boinkette goes on vacation

I will be away for the next week, so expect sporadic or no blogging. To keep you occupied until I return, here are some sexy Democrats:

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The image “http://64.177.207.201/images/clw/election04/obama.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.

And a short, chubby guy with no neck (and, um, a fish):

The image “http://www.alchemysite.com/blog/dean_fish.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.

"We're going to California, and Texas, and New York, and Oregon and Washington and Michigan...and then we're going fishing! Yeeeaaaarrrghhhh!"

Boinkability Awards: Flashback: Democratic Primary Edition

Yeah, I know it was a long time ago, but in these dark days of Bushdom, it's nice to look back to the past.

Most Boinkable Democratic Primary Candidate:

Tie:

John "My father was a millworker and I'm pretty" Edwards

edwardsfuckablecropped3sj.jpg

and Wesley "Muscular Man in Uniform/Argyle Sweaters" Clark

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Least Boinkable Democratic Primary Candidate:

Tie: Dennis "Vegan Elf" Kucinich

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and Al "It's all about the hair" Sharpton

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Boinkability Awards: Nasty Right-Wing Ho Edition

Least Sexy Nasty Right-Wing Ho:

Ann Coulter (ewwww, I can barely even type the name)

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Sexiest Nasty Right-Wing Ho:

Michelle Malkin

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Now, if only we could get Maureen Dowd to look like that, we'd have the perfect woman.

Speaking of erection--um, elections...

It's never to early to start getting ready for the next one.

Therefore, if you're not already registered to vote, get all the hot voter reg info you need at Votergasm.

And even if you're already registered, you can always check out their action pictorials for some handy, er, tips on how to make a difference....

Sounds like a good way to get some political action going, not to mention getting some action.



Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Why Jeb Bush should run in 2008

So that everyone can keep wearing these:






Although sadly, these will no longer apply:



All undies from Axis of Eve.

Very good point

funny t-shirt: If You Save Yourself for Marriage, The Terrorists Win Shirt
























From T-shirthumor.com

The Bad Mental Image File, Part 2

Again from Rude Pundit:

Prior to that, Bush spoke about Lincoln's early days, his "humble beginnings," if you will: "Before history took notice, he earned money as a storekeeper, a surveyor and a post master. He taught himself the law." And perhaps the irony was not lost on the gathered crowd, that this son of privilege, who never suffered a day in his life, who had servants hired just to buff his balls after a bath, was allowed to even speak the name of Abraham Lincoln, who, faults and all, sought to keep together a nation that George Bush and the current Republicans are trying to desperately to tear apart.

Yeah, when I lie awake at night, I want to picture someone buffing Bush's balls.

Wait a minute...but he doesn't have any!

*sigh of relief*

That sure solves that problem.

Although it doesn't save me from imaginining Cheney and/or Rove playing puppeteer with their hands up Bush's ass. Or Republicans having sex in general, because, after all, they have to reproduce somehow.

Forget banning gay marriage, can we ban Republican marriage?

Save the filibuster

Government's just no fun if you can't filibuster all night long on the Senate floor.

I imagine that goes something like this:

..Oh, Senator! Ram that legislation through both houses of Congress! Oh! Go get the House Minority Whip! Oh yeah! Ohhh yeah! Filibuster me! Oh, revise the bill right there! Ohhh yeahhh...Cover me with your health care plan! Oh, what a long resume you have! Ohhh, Senator, keep representing me! It's so hot when you represent your constituents. All that soft money...and hard money! Hard, hard money! Oh, represent me, represent me! Don't stop....ohhhh......

In the news

Porn star who ran for California governor arrested at strip club

What is it with California? They throw out their governor and then pick a groper over a porn star, who proceeds to get arrested for this exciting escapade:

All 16 were accused of violating the local adult cabaret ordinance, some by getting too close to customers and others - including Carey- by touching themselves in a sexual manner.

*shakes head*

Crazy, crazy California. Makes me glad to be a resident of the elitist liberal Northeast, where all we have is politicians who....well, have sex with children...

Quote of the Day

"On this day in 1912, 1,5000 people went down on the Titanic. That record would later be broken by President Clinton." --David Letterman

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Framing our, er, positions

How can conservative boys resist liberalism when it's packaged like this?

Courtesy of The White House Gift Shop:

"Liberal Slut" Thong












Visualize the fundies in their undies

Well....



And the saddest part is, I am.

I need more flagellation. Or more Kerry-Edwards porn. Or something.

You know what this means? Bedtime for Boinkette.

Currently flagellating self for last post

I must atone for my brief episode of lust toward a nasty sleazy fundie.

So, to make up for it, here's John Edwards in short shorts!!!!

edwardsjogging6zi.jpg

And some hot Senator-on-Senator action:

kerryandedwardsfaceoff9tw.jpg

Edwards can help flagellate me too if he wants.

With his two Americas!

Hope is on the way...

Ode to a religious fundamentalist

I know, I know, but how can you hate someone this adorable?

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Somebody get an ark, because this guy's gonna cause a flood!

Just look at the way he's holding his hands...He may be a narrow-minded bigot but you can tell he's got a sensitive touch. Yum. Give me that Christian Coalition, baby, give it to me! I wanna feel some of those strong, firm moral values. Gimme some of that old time religion. I want it. I want it now. Save, me, baby! You know I'm a sinner. Why don't you wash those sins right off my body and show me the Right way? I'll ride you like a Horseman of the Apocalypse, baby, and you'd better believe I'll take you to heaven.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Insight of the day

From Frank Rich over at the NYT:

The hair shirt is the new thong.

Ouch...

Monday special: The Boinkability Awards

Least Boinkable Republican:
John Bolton

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Can anyone tell me why the hell his mustache is white when his hair isn't? Is that a symptom of UN-hating? In any case, it looks mighty itchy...


Most Boinkable Republican:
Ralph Reed

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I'd so help him put the fun in fundamentalist.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

The all-time classic pick-up line

Fear no more, bespectacled policy wonks and C-Span addicts: Boinkette has developed a foolproof pick-up line that is guaranteed to work on any man/woman/dog* (*not applicable unless you are Rick Santorum and have a repressed fuzzy fetish) you wish to entice:

Wanna join my naked pyramid?

The Bad Mental Image File

Like, bad enough to give Boinkette nightmares. Worse nightmares than Wolfie molesting his comb in F 9/11.

The thought of Antonin Scalia engaging in sodomy.

So it turns out that an NYU law student asked him whether he does such things with his wife in order to make a point about the degradation that gays are subject to under anti-sodomy laws. I totally agree with the cause, but that's just something I'd rather not imagine. I mean, I'd rather picture Rove with his hand up Bush's ass, which is pretty much the case anyway. Or Jeff Gannon practicing his media whoredom. Or Rick Santorum and a dog--ok, maybe not that.

Wonkette has the scoop on the student's reasoning behind his disturbing question, and Rude Pundit just goes too far :

Fucking Maureen Scalia's Face:
So yesterday, Antonin Scalia is speaking at NYU when a gay man, pissed off that Scalia went nutzoid supporting anti-sodomy laws that were struck down by the majority of the Supreme Court that happens to believe that consensual ass fucking, labia licking, and blow jobs are really not the province of government intervention, asks Scalia, "Do you sodomize your wife?" Because, you know, everyone needs the picture in their heads of Maureen Scalia with Big Tony's spicy sausage thrusting in and out of her mouth. But, really, and, c'mon, it's a totally legit question, since some of the laws Scalia supported had blanket bans on straight and gay sodomy. So, like, if Big Tony was munchin' on Maureen's kooz like a badger on a titmouse and Maureen started shriekin', "Suck my clit, you meatball of a man" a little too loud for the people of the Birmingham Marriott, the police might have been able to burst in and drag the future Chief Justice and the good Misses down to central lock-up, where, ironically, sodomy is the law of the land.

Pardon me while I poke my eyes out.

A few more election flashbacks

A post-debate exchange:

Girl: What are YOU wearing right now?

Guy: Nothing, baby, except a bulge bigger than the one on Bush's back!


Election Day special:

"Hey baby, can I punch your chad?"

"Only if I can pull your lever!"

"Don't forget to close the curtain first!!"


Of course, it's always important to make sure you don't end up with a pregnant chad. When it comes to hanging chads, though, that can usually be fixed with a little Viagra.

A little dated, but...

I came up with this a while ago (remember when Kerry and Edwards were being all lovey-dovey and practically making out at every appearance?), and now that I have a blog, I will share it for your entertainment. Just close your eyes and think back to the good old days of the KE04 campaign...


What goes on when Kerry and Edwards are alone:

"Oh, John, I love how you flip-flop! I want to see all of your positions! Show me how you change positions!"

"Yeah baby, who's your president, who's your president!!"

"I'd give you the authority to use force any time, John!"

"Oh John, I love it when you talk diplomatic! Give it to me, baby! Oh yeah! Give me that
resolution! Ohhhhhh....ohhh yeah...."

"Oh, I'm gonna put the vice in vice president all right! Let's make two Americas one America tonight, baby!"

"Oh John, ohhhhh yeah..."

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Saturday, April 16, 2005

Hmmm

While publishing my posts, I get the message, "This may take a few minutes, if you have a large blog." So size does matter after all, huh?

For all you math nerds out there

Ok, it's not political, but it's just too cheesy/fun not to include. Give poor Boinkette a break, she gets easily distracted.

The best pick-up line of all time:

Hey baby, can I take your second derivative? Because I'd really like to find the area under your curves.

The vast right hand conspiracy

Well, everyone in the blogosphere, from Rude Pundit to Daily Kos, has been pointing out the unusual proportion of this boy's hands:

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You know what they say about wingnuts with big hands...big family values!

Watch out for them, because they're only out to pop your wall between church and state.

Ok, props to Wonkette

This is just too funny:

How tangled up with DeLay is your member?

Luckily, it appears that none of my members are tangled up with DeLay, which is quite a relief.

Just for fun

Not being one, I can't quite imagine what goes on between Republicans when they are alone, but this is my best guess:

"Look at those Laffer curves on you! You're making my stocks go up! I wanna trickle down on you, baby!"

"Oh yeah! Give me a tax break! A BIG tax break! Give it to me!"

"Oh, I'll give you a tax break all right. I'll give you the biggest tax break you've ever seen. And I'm going to invade your sovereign nation, too! But I'm going to need to carry out some inspections first. I believe you're in posession of weapons of mass seduction!"

"You bet your conservative ass I am, baby. Wanna come find them?"

"OHHH yeah...and then you know what we're gonna do? We're going to spread democracy!"

"I'll spread my democracy for you anytime, baby!"

Welcome to Boinkette

Well, it's time to jump on the blogging bandwagon.

I used to be a Wonketteaholic (and even sent her a tip that got published once--it was an Edwards quote about the "back-door draft," and you know how Wonkette loves all things ass-fucking), but since the election she seems to be on and off--sometimes hilarious and sometimes eh--and I realized what we need is someone who can distill the funniest parts of politics: just the sex. Not the partying, drinking, and gossip. There was enough of that in high school. Politics is best when it's dirty (although I must give Wonkette credit for the random
story about the woman who beat off a burglar with a garden gnome) , so, enter Boinkette: your source for filibustering all night long, giving stump speeches, and other similarly amusing things.