Boinkette

The best part of politics: because they're all screwing us anyway.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Deep Throat's identity revealed

Turns out it was former FBI official W. Mark Felt.

Damn, and all along I thought it was Monica Lewinsky.

Quotes of the day

"President Bush delivered the commencement address at the Naval Academy. This appearance at the Naval Academy was historic for President Bush. For the first time he was on a military base and people could actually remember him being there. ... There was one awkward moment -- when Bush met a rear admiral, he said I respect your lifestyle, but I don't think you should get married."
--Jay Leno

"The owner of an Italian restaurant may sue Bill Clinton for failing to show up. Clinton made a reservation for eighteen people and didn't show up. The owner was very disappointed. And you thought he was disappointed, what about the poor girl waiting under the table for Bill? She was waiting there all night long."
--Jay Leno

Tom Coburn is a Senatorially Transmitted Disease

So, Tommy boy is at work showing off his STD slideshow to anyone who wants to look at what the Wash Post describes as "a part of the male anatomy but not [shown] as a science textbook drawing; this was the real thing, and a particularly sorry example; it looked like it had been left outside by mistake and then rusted in some unnatural way, with scaly dry spots, and warts on an angry red background."

Fun stuff. It turns out that, according to says Bill Smith, the vice president of the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, the picture of genital warts that Coburn so painkstakingly picked to gross out his audience in fact depicts warts that have been left untreated for decades, although such warts are highly treatable. Coburn also got his facts wrong when he claimed that condoms are only 67% effective in preventing HIV, when they are actually 99% effective. Now that's fuzzy math.

You have to wonder why Coburn gets such a kick out of these images. Maybe he just likes dick and the only socially acceptable way he can find to look at one is in a slideshow designed to scare people off from sex.

Who knows. It seems it's just another case of a repressed, sex-obsessed Republican at work. But this exchange made my day:

"You keep mentioning the word 'monogamy'," a staffer named Roland Foster recalls one young woman asking after a lecture. "What is that?"

"That's when you have sex with only one partner," Coburn responded.

"You mean at a time?"

Threesome?

I think Bush is going to need some more Purell from his aide, Blake Gottesman, after this.

Queer for oil goes too far

As Wonkette reports:

In Florida, a new art exhibit called "Controversy" features 45 works that "generally make some kind of social or political statement." Artist Alfred Phillips' contribution to the show? A portrait of President Bush bent over an oil barrel, on the receiving end of a Saudi prince's vigorous exploratory drilling.

And, joining the hypocrites club is fellow artist Michael Friedman, who entered a piece depicting Pope Benedict XVI with several swastikas in the background, yet felt fit to criticize the anti-oil dependecy artistic statement on the grounds that it was "offensive and tasteless".

Clearly, he's just not a big fan of anal play, unlike Neal Horsley or David Hager.

But hey, art is art. He should be thankful at least it's not a nude portrait of Dick Cheney.

Bill Clinton gets lei'd

Does it cause hairy hands, too?

Apparently, Viagra now makes people go blind.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Jim West is a pervert, part 2

New allegations have surfaced about Spokane's self-hating gay mayor:

According to The Spokesman-Review, state Sen. Pam Roach said when West served in the Legislature, he made an inappropriate sexual comment to her about her teenage son. The newspaper also said a man claimed he was inappropriately touched during a pat-down search when West was a sheriff's deputy in the 1970s.

He denied the allegations, but who wouldn't if they'd made a comment like this:

Roach told the newspaper that West made the comment in the Senate chamber around 1990, when her then-18-year-old son was working as a tour guide in the state Capitol and West was a state senator.

''West told me, 'I want to do to your son what no mother would want to know,''' Roach said the former senator told her.

I'd sure like John Edwards to do things to me that I wouldn't want my mother to know about, but I wouldn't want him actually telling her that...ugh, have these repressed Republicans no shame?

We might as well start calling him Michael Jackson.

And the strangest vaguely sexual press release award goes to...

Concerned Women for America, for this :

CWA Says, Seven Republican Dwarves Sold Out Snow White—Left Democrats With Key to Castle

Dwarves? Key to the castle? Sounds pretty kinky to me.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Where is Santorum?

Bush is having a little too much fun with Miss Beazley again:

Photo

Desperate housewives in the Middle East

Who knew Laura Bush was a fuzzy?

Welcome to the bonership society

Wonkette reports on the bill introduced by Senator Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) that would eliminate ED drugs for all Medicare and Medicaid recipients:

At first glance, Grassley's bill act seems like a conservative no-brainer: It's anti-sex, it's fiscally responsible, and it fits in nicely with President Bush's recent calls to privatize massive, rock-hard erections via a "bonership society" that encourages people to take control of their own ball-draining fuck sessions. But if poor people spend less time enjoying high-quality, pharmacologically enhanced orgasms, they might spend more time voting. Thus, we're expecting hard-line liberals to champion the bill, and savvier Republicans to push for a compromise. For example: no Viagra if you're poor and impotent, but you get some bukkake DVDs from the DOJ's porn collection. And if you're poor, impotent, and blind? A phone call from Bill O'Reilly.

"Hard-line" liberals? Tee hee!

Quotes of the day, Saddam in his skivvies edition

"People in the Middle East are still angry about the picture. They said how would we like it if our leader was caught without his pants on? Uh, been there done that." --Jay Leno

"The tabloid newspaper in England that published the picture of Saddam in his underwear ... issued an apology. They said Saddam? We thought it was Camilla." --Jay Leno

"This just in: People magazine has just named Saddam Hussein sexiest man alive." --David Letterman

"Everyone is making a big deal about this picture. I don't know what the big deal is. I saw it two weeks ago when he put it on Match.com." --Jay Leno

Sunday, May 22, 2005

An oldie but goodie

After seeing a cartoon portraying a pair of suicide bombers who realize they have been "screwed by a technicality" when they are greeted by nuns in heaven, I was reminded of an old joke that still amuses the crap out of me:

The 72 Virginians

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you, idiot. What did you think I said?"

Yeah, like I needed this

Thanks a lot, Juan Cole.


Maybe this is where Santorum has been going

From the Boston Globe's funny reader photo gallery:

Funny photos

Why? Why so many bad mental images in one day??

From Low Culture, the half-naked Saddam picture compared to a 1992 SPY cover featuring a similary attired (ewww) Pat Buchanan:

saddam_buchanan.jpg

Now all we need to do is find a picture of an underwear-clad Osama (with five wives, surely one of them must've taken some, er, intimate photos) and blackmail him into capitulating.

TMFI!

The online edition doesn't show it, but today's New York Times magazine captions its cover picture, "The Senator From a Place Called Faith: The Coming of Rick Santorum."

Ugh. That's something I just don't want to imagine.



The Believer



He really does have a blissful post-masturbatory look on his face. And he's clasping his hands like he needs to wash them...

Oh God, the nightmares will haunt me forever.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Newsflash: Saddam wears tightie-whities

Don't you just love seeing a dictator in his skivvies?

Apparently, plenty of people don't.



But I think it's pretty damn funny. I would make a pun on "dictator" but I don't even want to go there.

I just hope no one publishes pictures of Bush in his undies. That bulging flight suit--I wonder what kind of "mission" he thought he had accomplished??--was bad enough.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Yeah, and Horsley was probably fucking the mule in his sleep too

The Boston Globe reports on the sentencing of a man who claims to have "sexsomnia," a sleep disorder which supposedly led him to inapropriately touch two preadolescent girls while sleepwalking.

Maybe Clinton should have used that excuse.

"Blowjob? What blowjob? I don't remember a thing! I must have been sleeping..."

Porn star to meet Bush (no, not that kind of Bush)

So it turns out that porn star, former CA gubernatorial candidate, and aspiring lieutenant governor candidate Mary Carey is going to have dinner with President Bush. Now that should give Laura reason to feel like a desperate housewife.



Not only that, but Carey's boss, Mark Kulkis, thinks Republicans and porn stars are a perfect match:

“I’m honored to be invited to this event,” Kulkis said. “Republicans bill themselves as the pro-business party. Well, you won’t find a group of people more pro-business than pornographers. We contributed over $10 billion to the national economy last year.”

Um, yeah, tell that to the family values crusaders.

But then again, the Bushies are only pandering to the religious right anyway and have no problem selling them out for money. It's money that makes their world go 'round.

And besides, all the repressed fundies are probably jerking off in secret to Carey's videos anyway. That is, if they're not out fucking mules or little boys.

Now for the real scary part:

“I’m especially looking forward to meeting Karl Rove,” Carey added. “Smart men like him are so sexy. I know that he’s against gay marriage, but I think I can convince him that a little girl-on-girl action now and then isn’t so bad!”

Karl Rove and sexy just don't belong in the same sentence, or even the same paragraph. Ughhhh. Even if being a diabolical master of propaganda were a turn-on--which it most definitely is not--he's just a little ugly pig of a man, second maybe only to Cheney in unsexiness.

And there's a wee bit of difference between girl-on-girl porn (which is not my thing personally--I prefer Kerry-on-Edwards, but to each his/her own) and actual gay people getting married. You know, because the latter aren't doing it to help some teenage boy get off.

Sometimes I don't know which I hate more about the Republican party: the religious fundamentalism or the greed-driven hypocrisy.

It all makes me just about as sick as the thought of associating any sexual feelings with Karl Rove.

Ah, those repressed Republicans

As Wonkette points out, it was pretty bright of the fundamentalist group the Article Eight Alliance to combat a sex ed booklet they found "extremely gross and disgusting" by, well, putting it up online for all to see. (Not like kids ever go online or anything...)



Somehow, methinks they're having a bit too much fun with all this fuckin', suckin', rimming, and fisting. I bet the only thing they're wondering is, "Where are the gerbils?"

Quote of the day, magic wand edition

"President Bush said I wish I could wave a magic wand and lower gas prices. And then he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring the troops home. And he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix health care. And I was thinking this guy waves his wand more than Clinton." --David Letterman

No more pimpin' the ho's in Nevada

Nevada governor signs "anti-pimp" bill

Now, can someone please pass a bill against corporate pimping a la the lobbyists who have been giving Tom DeLay free golfing vacations?

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

What's the matter with Kansas?

I don't know, but Iowa sure has the right idea:

University of Iowa to offer pornography course

You know, all that corn might come in handy. I don't know about the soybeans, though. But at least if the students are busy studying porn, they won't be out fucking mules.

That darn mule was asking for it

Ummmm, yeah. Horsley claims his boyhood mule-fucking was consensual because he offered the mule an ear of corn in exchange for the sexual act.

Look, I can understand using an ear of corn in a sex act--they are "ribbed for her pleasure," after all--but using one as an excuse for raping livestock takes things a bit too far. Any farm animals in the vicinity of that man need to take out a restraining order against him.

Although it appears he's been too busy having sex with men and impregnating the two women he had extramarital affairs with, anyway. Nice moral values, dude.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Peekaboo, I see you



When Bush looks through the magic cloth, he can see the deviant homosexual agenda all around him. Suddenly cartoon characters appear to be gay and the sanctity of marriage everywhere is threatened.

Either that, or he's invented a new way of snorting coke.

But in any case, today is the anniversary of the legalization of gay marriage in Massachusetts, which just rocks. Kudos to the great state of Massachusetts (despite its Massholes) and congratulations to all the people who have been able to make a committment to the one they love.

Quote of the day, talking dick edition

"A cable access show has a character called 'Dick Smart' and it was a talking penis, trying to tell kids about contraception. A court of appeals has laid down the law that you cannot have a talking penis on the TV. Fox News has reacted immediately and fired Sean Hannity." --Bill Maher

Well, it's kind of like when Jon Stewart went on Crossfire and called Tucker Carlson a dick. Aren't they all?

Quote of the day

"The John Bolton nomination has cleared the committee. Larry Flynt has entered the fray. He said he has evidence Bolton bought tickets to a swingers club and forced his wife to have group sex. Today Ted Kennedy said he's heard enough--he's voting yes."
--Bill Maher

Maybe this is why the fundies hate condoms so much?

Because they're bad for the environment...and we all know how much rightwingers care about the environment.

Apparently, said condoms have been slipping through the sewage system and winding up in Lake Michigan, but the city is making progress against such accidents:

After spending more than $1.8 million for a temporary system to catch stray condoms slipping through a sewage treatment plant, a Milwaukee Metropolitan Sewerage District spokesman says officials are fairly confident a majority of condoms are now being caught before they can reach Lake Michigan.

The problem apparently began when "a fisherman reported seeing what he called a slick of thousands of condoms floating in the lake following a heavy rainstorm in April of 2003."

At first, the city employeed this creative response:

Initially, a single laborer armed with a swimming pool skimmer was posted at the chlorine tanks at the Jones Island treatment plant to capture condoms that survived earlier phases of screening at the plant.

Man, now that sounds like a fun summer job--after all, who wouldn't want to list "condom catcher" on their resume?

Later, the city resorted to the larger scale methods that are now working.

It's a good thing the religious right hasn't found out about this yet, or they'd really be up in arms (or, um, other body parts? damn repressed Republicans).

Ouch

Male readers, you may want to cross your legs while reading this one.

From the Boston Globe:

A woman isn't legally responsible for injuries her boyfriend suffered while they were having consensual sex more than a decade ago, a state appeals court ruled Monday.


The man, identified only as John Doe in court papers, filed suit against the woman in 1997, claiming she was negligent when she suddenly changed positions, landed awkwardly on him and fractured his penis.

The man underwent emergency surgery in September 1994, "endured a painful and lengthy recovery" and has suffered from sexual dysfunction that hasn't responded to medication or counseling, the appeals court said.

The rest of the story here.

Too bad that didn't happen to the ass-raping fundie asshole. It would've served him right.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Silly Horsley

You're supposed to have sex up against washing machines, not with them...

But apparently, the idea of having sex with a consenting adult human doesn't seem to cross the minds of rightwingers these days.

This is why we need Clinton to come back and give them a demonstration.



Ah, how the right wing wailed and gnashed its teeth about his consensual adult affair. BJs in the Oval Office, gasp! A stain on the nation! (Sorry, couldn't resist the pun. It was too, um... hard not to.)

Yet it turns out that all along they're been fucking livestock.

The irony has gone on so long that it is no longer delicious (like watermelon, apple pie, or John Edwards). It's almost a given that repressed Republicans have twisted sexual practices. I'm not sure what else can come up (pun intended, again, because I can't help thinking that way) that can possibly beat all the right-wing perversion that's already been exposed.

Liberals couldn't invent more perverted sexual practices if we tried. And we sure as hell do try....

Pervert Wars II: Return of the Mule-fucker

Ah, it's hard to let a good mule-fucking story go. Luckily, Horsley is helping dirty-minded bloggers everywhere by continuing to tell Alan Colmes about his unusual sexual practices.

Wonkette reports this bit of dialogue between Colmes and the infamous mule-fucker:

COLMES: Have you ever had sex with a washing machine?

HORSLEY: Um, well, haven't ever really thought about it, but the fact of matter is it shakes and there have been times when in reality that would be an option.

He apparently also confesses that he's "had sex with men and would possibly consider a 'warm watermelon.'"

Watermelon? Whatever happened to apple pies? Or is the rightwing boycotting them too because their makers are sponsoring the Gay Games?

The right wing hates gay macaroni

First it was Tinky Winky, then SpongeBob, and now they're after....Kraft Foods??

Apparently, the American Family Association is pissed that Kraft, the maker of everyone's favorite macaroni and cheese (you know how gay those noodles are, all nestled in together like that!), is sponsoring the Gay Games.

Electablog's got the scoop on this new form of food discrimination:

What's next, protesting Oreo cookies because of their implied support of interracial sex (I mean come on, I think we all know what double stuff means...).

Or maybe we should protest Kraft singles because of the suggestion that being single (translation, decadent and promiscuous) is OK.

Ritz crackers? French elitism. Enough said.

And just add up Cheez Whiz, Corn Nuts, Claussen Kosher (translation, Jewish) Pickles, Nutter Butter (as in Brando's "Give me a pad of..."), and Fruit 2.0, and you'll quickly realize that your family grocery store has basically been turned into the set of a porn remake of the Will and Grace series.

This is the age of crazy. Time for the sane people to pipe up.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Quote of the day

"In Spokane, Washington, the Mayor, Jim West, who is publicly anti-gay, has taken a leave of absence from his job because of allegations he offered city jobs to men he met on a gay web site. It's part of the mayor's new program -- give a job, get a job." --Jay Leno

Friday, May 13, 2005

And yet more

It turns out that Bachem Machuno of Coulter-fucking fantasy fame has also seen fit to provide new captions for cute kiddie cartoons:



More here.

More from the guy who brought you "I Fucked Ann Coulter in the Ass, Hard"

I didn't really want to read any more about Ann Coulter and sex, especially this late at night when it might give me nightmares, but I couldn't help skimming through all the dirty details.

I won't even try to select an excerpt to post, but if you can stomach it, here's the link:

Back in Ann Coulter's Ass-Saddle Again

I think he's compensating for something

Aren't they all?

delay_nra.jpg

Rude Pundit sums up Republican perversion

From Spokane's homophobic closet-case/Michael Jackson-wannabe of a mayor to Bolton's forced group sex to Hager's forced ass-fucking to Horsley's forced mule-fucking, Rude Pundit sums it all up in a neat little, um, package.

The bow on top of that package: a little Clinton nostalgia. I miss the days of consensual cock-sucking too:

Somehow a blow job under the desk seems so quaint, you know? Next to the throbbing perverse desires of the right that explode in destructive behavior against those who love them and those they want to fuck, the simple placing of consensual lips around a consensual cock is so comforting. It recontextualizes everything, doesn't it, all this crazed fucking. No wonder the right wants to destroy the legacy of the old and new left. They're jealous that they never got to enjoy it. And it's going to send them over a cliff. Rome burned because the leaders were so busy giving in to their sex drives run amok that they never saw the barbarians coming.

Barbarians coming--isn't what all this rightwing perversion is about?

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Republicans are perverts, "family values" edition

Rightwing hypocrisy is so common it's barely amusing anymore. Bill Bennett and gambling, Rush Limbaugh and OxyContin, whatever...it gets old.

But even though I don't quite share Wonkette's fascination with ass-fucking, it's still nice to see one of those supposedly straight-and-narrow, God-fearing fundie types exposed for, ahem, non-traditional--not to mention nonconsenual--sexual activity.

So, this wingnut Dr. W. David Hager, an ob-gyn and Bush appointee to the FDA, likes to share his conservative take on sexuality through books like Stress and the Woman's Body and As Jesus Cared for Women, which The Nation describes as "self-help tomes that interweave syrupy Christian spirituality with paternalistic advice on women's health and relationships."

But lookie what came out during his nomination process:

According to Davis, Hager's public moralizing on sexual matters clashed with his deplorable treatment of her during their marriage. Davis alleges that between 1995 and their divorce in 2002, Hager repeatedly sodomized her without her consent. Several sources on and off the record confirmed that she had told them it was the sexual and emotional abuse within their marriage that eventually forced her out. "I probably wouldn't have objected so much, or felt it was so abusive if he had just wanted normal [vaginal] sex all the time," she explained to me. "But it was the painful, invasive, totally nonconsensual nature of the [anal] sex that was so horrible."

Ouch. My ass hurts just reading that. Doesn't yours?

I always knew fundamentalists were a pain in the ass, but this just takes it to a whole new level.

Don't ask, don't tell

British Navy punishes group for nude swim

Nothing like a man in uniform, except a man out of his uniform!

Would you want to have group sex with this man??

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No wonder his wife left.

While doing a Google image search for John Bolton, I also found this, which somehow seems right up his alley:

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Although on second thought, perhaps it would be better suited for Ozzy Osbourne.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

I know it's corny, but...

I just can't help being amused by these pictures.

The image “http://photos1.flickr.com/158723_31caed8842_m.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.

"I want YOU to have sex with this ear of corn every night!"

Livestock: not ok. Produce: ok.

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Republicans are perverts, John Bolton edition

It's not as bad as that anti-abortion activist fucking a mule (which would sure give a new meaning to the common complaint that one's girlfriend is as stubborn as a mule), but the thought of John Bolton forcing his wife to engage in group sex isn't so pretty either.

They weren't joking when they said he was a "kiss-up, kick-down" kind of guy....

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Looks like something Santorum would condemn



Talk about protectionism: the Condi condom

Nick Kristof gets down and dirty

From his latest column:

Unless the Vatican reconnects with ordinary people here in the Catholic heartland, the tens of millions who find spiritual meaning in their pews but have been turned off by many church positions, then the Vatican's obstinacy may yet kindle a Re-Reformation.

Church positions? Um, is that like the missionary?

Good point...

If anyone's going to get it on with a farm animal, it should be a Democrat--because, as one of my friends just pointed out, our mascot is the ass after all.

But we know better...after all, why spend your time banging livestock when you can be sipping a latte, eating sushi, and listening to NPR while reading the New York Times?

Or perhaps the question is, why screw a sheep when you can be getting some liberal lovin' with a fellow liberal? After all, as the saying goes:

Democrats are sexy--whoever heard of a good piece of elephant?

Earth to Horsley

If God had wanted you to fuck farm animals, he wouldn't have given you hands!

Seriously--if you wingnuts take the Bible so literally, then why can't you see that God created hands (and lube, and socks, and apple pie, if one is so inclined) for a reason?

He certainly did not intend for you to spill your sacred conservative seed in this:

playmulecropped4lr.jpg

Fucking someone in the ass, fine. But fucking an ass? Please, for the love of God, leave the poor critters alone.

No wonder Horsley fucks mules

His name almost has "horse" in it...

And at least phonetically, it has "whore" in it as well.

Rick Santorum, where are you? Man-on-mule alert! Man-on-mule alert! (Yay alliteration...mwahahahaha.)

P.S. Kudos to Joe over at Left Bank Blog for being the source of this pervertedness in the first place. Even a dirty-minded lil' political junkie like me doesn't always spot the juiciest wingnut-on-animal news first.

Santorum was right!

But the threat to animals is not from gays but from repressed, perverted rightwing hicks.

Neal Horsley, an anti-abortion nut, admitted to boyhood bestiality on the Alan Colmes show:

AC: "You had sex with animals?"

NH: "Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."

AC: "I'm not so sure that that is so."

NH: "You didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?"

AC: "Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?"

NH: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life on the farm..."

See, this is why blue staters have a superiority complex--because we don't fuck animals! For God's sake, is there no decency anymore? Is this what the red state wingnuts do when they aren't busy wiping their ass on the Constitution?

I'm moving to Canada. Now. And taking my dog with me.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Good idea

From My Stolen Nation:



See, it's just more proof that I should marry John Edwards. Except for that slight problem that he is already married. *sigh*

As for the Hammer's wife sitting on her thumb, well, there are worse things she could have sat on. Like Bill Clinton's, uh, "thumb"...

I don't think Dave Pell meant it quite this way

But it sure sounds like he's describing an epidemic of erectile dysfunction among politicians...

From Electablog's latest post on corporate influence on Congress:

Surprise. Some things in D.C. are not in the upright position.

Oh, so that's why Bob Dole needed Viagra.

New Army slogans

While we're on the topic of Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Hooded Detainees, here are two suggestions for the Army's recruiting department:

Be all that you can be with electrodes strapped to your genitals.

A naked pyramid of one.

We all know the military is having a tough time getting people to join, so maybe it's about time they play up the fun sexual abuse aspect. After all, why stay at home and torture small animals and/or sleep with little boys a la Michael Jackson when you can be abroad acting like, well, a broad? There's nothing like sexually humiliating a few Iraqis to get a girl going.

Lynndie England-inspired pick-up lines

With Lil' Miss Abu Ghraib back in the news, I figured it was time for another edition of Boinkette pick-up lines. Warning: Do not try this at home!


Hey baby, let me unleash your passion--by putting you on a leash!

You're really hot, but I bet you'd be even hotter with ladies' underwear on your head.

Hey, nice hood.

If I start a naked pyramid, I bet your thumb won't be the only thing that's up!

Is that a chemical lightstick in your pocket, or are you just happy that I'm pointing at your penis?

dKos user Jaysea nails it

I've been saying all along that we need to ban Republican marriage, but Jaysea has come up with proof:


Tired of gays whining about marriage?by jaysea
Sun May 8th, 2005 at 16:59:35 PDT

Want to do something for the Conservative Cause?

Are you one of those people who believes that being gay is a choice, a product of poor parenting?

CHRIS MATTHEWS: You don`t think it`s nature? You think it`s nurture.

JERRY FALWELL: I don`t think any--I don`t think anybody is born a bank robber or born a hostile left-winger or a hostile right-winger or gay or a promiscuous heterosexual. I think there comes a time in childhood where environment may be a part of it, whatever, teaching, instruction, one chooses, I will do this or that. And that`s why good, godly parenting...

Source: MSNBC Hardball - December 2, 2004

"GOOD, GODLY PARENTING"

Now, this is just the beginnings of a theory, and I'll be the first to admit that I don't have a lot of boring studies to back me up yet, but hear me out.

What is the biggest problem facing Conservatives today? Gay people, right? Now, where do all those gay men and lesbians come from?

My thesis, after the break...

Diaries :: jaysea's diary :: :: Trackback ::

I have two Conservative parents. Yep, they love Bush. They love Fox News. They hated Clinton. You heard it here. I'm now out of the closet on this shameful fact.

Well, my Conservative parents contributed to the problem, you see. They parented one of those homosexuals. In fact, twice.

So, let's see what Good Godly Parenting by Conservatives can accomplish:

Vice President & Mrs. Dick Cheney parented a lesbian daughter, Mary Cheney.

Mr. or Mrs. Parents of Newt Gingrich (okay, I'm too lazy to do the research) parented a lesbian daughter, Candace Gingrich. Being a half-sister to ol' Newt (still love that name!) she only shares half the genes with him, so is that a point for the genetic debater or the parenting debater?

Ambassador & Mrs. Alan Keyes parented a lesbian daughter, Maya Marcel-Keyes. Okay, maybe he was REAL busy running for President, then having to move to another state to run for Senate to save us from Barack Obama. Maybe Mrs. Keyes is the culprit here.

Mrs. & Mr. Phyllis Schlafly (being anti-ERA, she'll love that) - parented a gay son, John Schlafly.

Mr. & Mrs. Randall Terry parented a gay son, Jamiel Terry. Okay, he WAS adopted, does that count?

Mr. & Mrs. William "Pete" Knight parented a gay son, David Knight He even got "married" during California's brief flirt with same-sex marriage, despite his father having been one of the state's leading opponents.

Dr. & Mrs. Charles Socarides parented a gay son, Richard Socarides. Now, this must have been a real slap in the face to the man who founded NARTH and was renowned as an anti-gay psychiatrist. To add insult to injury, Richard became liaison to the gay community under Bill Clinton's White House.

Ready for my proposal?

Ban marriage for Conservatives, and Good God!, don't let them get their hands on any children!

Republicans are perverts, gay mayor edition

Gay mayor...mmm, I love internal rhyme. But even more than that, I love seeing homophobic hypocrites exposed (ok, I love alliteration too. Sorry. Back to the dirty political persona. *slaps literary persona*).

So it turns out that Mayor James West of Spokane, one of those anti-gay wingnut types, tried to solicit sex online from a 17-year old boy--who luckily turned out to be an undercover cop--and is also accused of molesting boys 25 years ago.

Which is all the lovelier because he also opposed any form of gay rights and even promoted a bill to outlaw any kind of teenage sex, gay or straight.

Screw outlawing teen sex--it is high time to outlaw Republican sex.

The thought of conservatives copulating, let alone soliciting sex from innocent children who have not yet gone to the dark side of conservatism, is just too much for me...

Why I love Low Culture

They post stuff like this:

Yes, We Tease Her, But We're Not Above Offering Her Some Baby Product Recommendations

Lynndie_baby.jpg
Hooked: Lynndie and Carter Allan England, left (via AFP); Ride 'N Stride 2-Way Safety Harness (via Baby Catalog of America).

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Boy for sale

Teen prank puts boy up for sale on eBay

Now, if only they had put up John Edwards, maybe that's something I would've bidded on...

"Two Americas! Do I hear three? Three Americas! Do I hear four? Four Americas! Four Americas! Going, going...do I hear five? Five Americas! Sold to the girl with the dirty mind!"

Thursday, May 05, 2005

I wonder if Jeff Gannon is an alumnus

From the Boston Globe:

'Whore College' Offers hands-on training

SAN FRANCISCO -- The 25 students in jeans and T-shirts could have been in any career that requires hustle. The classes, covering topics such as effective marketing, stress reduction and legal issues, could have been part of any professional development seminar.

But this was "Whore College," and any illusion it was just another corporate how-to for young go-getters abruptly ended at the sex toy display and was stripped away for good during a graphic demonstration that put a whole new twist on the concept of hands-on training.

Follow the link for more pornaliciousness. Sure gives new meaning to the phrase "head of the class"....

Bad mental image of Condi, part 2



Dear God, what would possess anyone to look down Condi's shirt?

My virgin eyes....

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

I wonder what he's talking about

The New Horker thinks it's his ear, but I suspect it's something else...after all, don't you think that someone who invades countries for no reason has to be compensating for something?

Rush's advice to Clinton

Upon hearing that good ol' Bill is promoting an initiative to combat childhood obesity, Rush Limbaugh (who is not so skinny himself) mocked Clinton's turnaround and then suggested a new slogan for his program:

Just don't swallow. You know, a lot of people are saying, "Is he going to suggest this diet to Monica?" Well, we'll just have to wait and see.

Yeah, we knew that was coming (so to speak)...

Monday, May 02, 2005

Gives new meaning to the phrase "asses of evil"

From Rude Pundit's ruminations on what Laura Bush really thinks:

George is such a control freak that the last time he was fucking me from behind he called one of my ass cheeks Iran and the other one Iraq, except he kept gettin' confused which one was which, so he turned me over and plunged into North Korea.

Wingnut obsesses over gay sex

Isn't it funny how the ones who claim to be trying to save values and oppose deviance are always the ones who seem most preoccupied by sexual behavior?

This guy, some commissioner in NC, thinks that gay men regularly eat each other's shit and put small rodents up their asses.

What an imagination. First Santorum with his man-on-dog fixation, now this....

Pam's House Blend, which reported on the tale of the gay-sex-obsessed wingnut, also included some reader responses to the commissioner. This was one of my favorites:

Dear Commissioner James,

I do think you didn't go far enough. You recently wrote this:
"You really think that a pool of people (homosexuals) where 45% of them eat feces from the rear end of another male is "normal"? If you do, you are frankly nuts."

But why modify your description of this practice by reference to gender, or, indeed, sexuality? Putting aside the fact that lesbians may also engage in this activity, so might heterosexuals. Heterosexuals may be eating feces from each other's rear ends! This disgusting practice no doubt leads to burdens on the non-feces eating taxpayers in the form of time lost to work owing to feces-eating-related sickness. Let alone the future pain and suffering of Hell reserved for all willing eaters of feces above the age of 2! You need to step up and try to pass a law that would prevent all feces eating, of whatever sort, of whatever sexuality, of whatever combination of genders! You need to step up and investigate the sex lives of all your citizens.

Perhaps a questionnaire would be the way to go. Simply mail something out to everyone in your district that says, "Dear Sir (or Madam): Do you eat feces from your sexual partner's rear end? If so, please be informed that you are in violation of the law."

Yours in Christ,
Karl the Idiot

And this is another good one, although a bit long:

Dear Commissioner James,
I read your letter titled "Perversity is not diversity" with great interest. This letter clearly displays your incredible sex knowledge that could only have been gained by long years of extensive in-depth research.

I am also a sex researcher. I am 49 years old, a navy veteran married twice and have been actively researching sex during most of my adult life. Of course, neither my first wife nor my present wife shares my research interest. I'm sure you understand. No proper Christian woman would ever have anything to do with sex. But I digress.

The point of this e-mail is to ask about your research methods and sources. Despite all my years of research, I had never heard of most of the sexual perversions you describe in your letter. It's not that I don't believe you of course. I would never think that an elected official could possibly make this stuff up.

My second-hand research sources over the years include such monthly periodicals as "SWANK," "Hustler," "Swinging Singles," "Hot Horny Housewives," and the esteemed "Sex Kittens and Their Toys." My Internet research has led me to such websites as "Sex Toys," "Honey Suckle," "Hot Black Honeys," "Asian Perversions" and many others. I've even done extensive study with such training videos as "Sex Around The World," "Back Door To Sweden," and of course the classic "The Many Ways of Kama Sutra."

Second-hand research such as it is, I've also engaged in extensive first-hand research interviews. My best sources have come in ribald sailor towns around the world, but I've also found many excellent local sources right here in Mississippi.

Regrettably, I have never met women during my research that knew many of the things your letter describes. I admit, I may have artificially limited my research scope. I've researched man-on-woman sex, woman-on-woman sex and many-women-on-one-man sex, but never man-on-man sex. As I'm not an animal lover, I have also avoided man-on-dog and other interspecies sex. Maybe this is why I've missed all the perversities you describe? It must be true that heterosexual people would never engage in these practices, or else my research would have revealed this by now.

So just where and how did you acquire such in-depth knowledge of sexual perversions? I would greatly appreciate the reference periodicals and websites you have used. Training videos? Could you refer me to the people you have worked with? My present wife won't mind if I interview them, her being a good Christian and all.

This is important work you're doing. There can be no higher calling for a good Christian than preventing other people from engaging in perverse sexual activities. After all, if the Missionary Position was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for all of us.

Please continue your good work.

Hmm, maybe the wingnuts can hire me to help "research" the sexual practices they are so curious about....I'm sure a lot of us liberals would be more than willing to help.

Queer for Oil Redux

"Just 72 hours after President Bush met with Crown Prince Abdullah and held his hand, oil prices fell to under $50 a barrel. Boy, imagine if President Bush had let him get to second base -- we'd be paying like a buck-ten a gallon now." --Jay Leno

Ugh....bad mental image. I mean, it's one thing to know the Bush administration is in bed with Saudi oil, but I think Bush was taking that a little too literally with his latest hand-holding episode. I can totally see Bush and the Saudi dude going back to the White House and ass-fucking all night, and it's not something I want to think about. I feel bad for the dog that probably has to watch....

Boinkette Reader Contest Falls Flat

I guess it needs some Viagra.

Unfortunately, I'm not cool, so only one person entered my contest, and the world is sadly deprived of all the potential dirty senatorial names that could have been created.

Oh well. At least we have Harry Reid, and he's real. I'll never think of his name quite the same way again.

Not to mention Bob Kerrey's insightful declaration that Santorum is Latin for asshole. Although it's pretty much a given that there are always assholes in government.

So, since I promised awards, Joe gets an A for Effort for his contributions:

- Sam Bareback Brownback

- Horsehumpin' Santorum

Good stuff. But it's totally Doghumpin' Santorum. Kind of goes along with Kitten-Killin' Frist. And Bugs-and-Ethics-Exterminatin' DeLay. PETA needs to jump on this Congress' case fast. Another nude ad campaign, maybe?

But I digress. In summary, Joe rocks because he saved my contest from total patheticness, and sadly Senators are just not sexy unless they are John Edwards. Who is no longer one anyway. I wonder if that means he has some more free time now...hmmmm.

Pardon me while I go develop a diabolical plot for seducing John Edwards. I hope he'll show me how to make two Americas into one America, since he didn't do such a great job of it during the campaign.

Amusing news of the day

Wyoming Men Cited for Making Snow Phallus

Someone should make one of those right outside the White House in protest. Right next to a bush, with a sign that has "Bush" and "Dick" crossed out in red circles. Or, more subtly, pictures of the aforementioned, genitally-named presidential pair.

The double meanings of Bush's last name and Cheney's first name are so old, so 3rd grade, but in times like this, you have to amuse yourself somehow.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Romney passive verb alert

Ok, so it's not dirty, but the politico-sexual news has been slow (yeah, yeah, Bush held hands with a dude, old news) and the grammar queen in me is happy to find any excuse to be outraged at Mitt Romney, the asshole--I mean governor--of Massachusetts.

Not only does he want to reinstate the death penalty in Mass., which is fucking ridiculous (although his proposals for strict evidence standards would be nice if they could be implemented in the states that actually have the death penalty), he egregiously abused the English language by using an unnecessary passive verb where the active verb would have been stronger:

Mr. Romney said he hoped the safeguards in his bill would convince legislators who are "on the fence" about the death penalty that "if you commit a heinous crime of this nature, the ultimate price will have to be paid by you."

Yeah, Mitt, the price for that statement will be paid by you when you run for reelection, asshole.

Moral of the story: Republicans suck. See: assholes, sucking, that's dirty. I'm not off top--ooh, pretty colors!

But seriously...if I were Rude Pundit, I'd start making up a molestation metaphor for Romney's disturbing misuse of the English language and/or mistreatment of his constituents, kind of like this.

Except I can't, because that just made me sick, and the thought of Mitt Romney fucking anyone or anything other than metaphorically makes me sick too.

I want to save the institution of marriage from nasty-ass Republican fucks like Romney and Bush and DeLay and Frist. Marriage is between a Democrat and Democrat. If you start letting Republicans marry, you're giving them the message that their agenda is acceptable, and the next thing you know they'll be raping endangered species.

Quotes of the Day, Queer for Oil Edition

"Bush held a prime time televised news conference. Bush discussed his plans for Social Security, the insurgency in Iraq and why holding hands with another man doesn't mean you're gay." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier this week Bush met with a key player on the world energy scene -- Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. Bush greeted him by kissing him on both cheeks and then led him by the hand into his ranch -- confirming the long standing rumor that the president is, in fact, queer for oil." --Jon Stewart

"Bush is with the Saudis like Michael Jackson is with 12-year-olds. He just doesn't care how it looks....He's just like, 'It's charming. We're just having milk and cookies!'" --Bill Maher

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