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The best part of politics: because they're all screwing us anyway.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Wingnut obsesses over gay sex

Isn't it funny how the ones who claim to be trying to save values and oppose deviance are always the ones who seem most preoccupied by sexual behavior?

This guy, some commissioner in NC, thinks that gay men regularly eat each other's shit and put small rodents up their asses.

What an imagination. First Santorum with his man-on-dog fixation, now this....

Pam's House Blend, which reported on the tale of the gay-sex-obsessed wingnut, also included some reader responses to the commissioner. This was one of my favorites:

Dear Commissioner James,

I do think you didn't go far enough. You recently wrote this:
"You really think that a pool of people (homosexuals) where 45% of them eat feces from the rear end of another male is "normal"? If you do, you are frankly nuts."

But why modify your description of this practice by reference to gender, or, indeed, sexuality? Putting aside the fact that lesbians may also engage in this activity, so might heterosexuals. Heterosexuals may be eating feces from each other's rear ends! This disgusting practice no doubt leads to burdens on the non-feces eating taxpayers in the form of time lost to work owing to feces-eating-related sickness. Let alone the future pain and suffering of Hell reserved for all willing eaters of feces above the age of 2! You need to step up and try to pass a law that would prevent all feces eating, of whatever sort, of whatever sexuality, of whatever combination of genders! You need to step up and investigate the sex lives of all your citizens.

Perhaps a questionnaire would be the way to go. Simply mail something out to everyone in your district that says, "Dear Sir (or Madam): Do you eat feces from your sexual partner's rear end? If so, please be informed that you are in violation of the law."

Yours in Christ,
Karl the Idiot

And this is another good one, although a bit long:

Dear Commissioner James,
I read your letter titled "Perversity is not diversity" with great interest. This letter clearly displays your incredible sex knowledge that could only have been gained by long years of extensive in-depth research.

I am also a sex researcher. I am 49 years old, a navy veteran married twice and have been actively researching sex during most of my adult life. Of course, neither my first wife nor my present wife shares my research interest. I'm sure you understand. No proper Christian woman would ever have anything to do with sex. But I digress.

The point of this e-mail is to ask about your research methods and sources. Despite all my years of research, I had never heard of most of the sexual perversions you describe in your letter. It's not that I don't believe you of course. I would never think that an elected official could possibly make this stuff up.

My second-hand research sources over the years include such monthly periodicals as "SWANK," "Hustler," "Swinging Singles," "Hot Horny Housewives," and the esteemed "Sex Kittens and Their Toys." My Internet research has led me to such websites as "Sex Toys," "Honey Suckle," "Hot Black Honeys," "Asian Perversions" and many others. I've even done extensive study with such training videos as "Sex Around The World," "Back Door To Sweden," and of course the classic "The Many Ways of Kama Sutra."

Second-hand research such as it is, I've also engaged in extensive first-hand research interviews. My best sources have come in ribald sailor towns around the world, but I've also found many excellent local sources right here in Mississippi.

Regrettably, I have never met women during my research that knew many of the things your letter describes. I admit, I may have artificially limited my research scope. I've researched man-on-woman sex, woman-on-woman sex and many-women-on-one-man sex, but never man-on-man sex. As I'm not an animal lover, I have also avoided man-on-dog and other interspecies sex. Maybe this is why I've missed all the perversities you describe? It must be true that heterosexual people would never engage in these practices, or else my research would have revealed this by now.

So just where and how did you acquire such in-depth knowledge of sexual perversions? I would greatly appreciate the reference periodicals and websites you have used. Training videos? Could you refer me to the people you have worked with? My present wife won't mind if I interview them, her being a good Christian and all.

This is important work you're doing. There can be no higher calling for a good Christian than preventing other people from engaging in perverse sexual activities. After all, if the Missionary Position was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for all of us.

Please continue your good work.

Hmm, maybe the wingnuts can hire me to help "research" the sexual practices they are so curious about....I'm sure a lot of us liberals would be more than willing to help.

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