Boinkette

The best part of politics: because they're all screwing us anyway.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

PETA loves Santorum

Not only does he nobly attempt to prevent "man-on-dog" lovin', but now Senator Sanctimonious is pushing legislation to close down breeding facilities known as puppy mills.

Clearly, he's seen how helpful it is for Republicans to associate themselves with anything cute and cuddly right before an election. But methinks Ricky likes the puppies just a bit too much.

A PETA spokesperson was quoted thus:

"He's a man with a heart, and he doesn't think it's any more acceptable to treat animals cruelly than humans."

Santorum? A man with a heart?! (Insert recording of "If I Only Had a Heart" here.)

But that irony aside, perhaps he should try to tie in his new Save the Puppies campaign with his old homophobic remarks.

I'm sure it would go over real well with the moderates in Pennsylvania if he started a Prevention of Cruelty to Puppies and Gay Sex campaign. After all, in this age of sexual tolerance, once you start breeding puppies, people might want to have sex with them.

At least in his sick, perverted mind.

But nothing is a surprise coming from the man who took home the dead body of his stillborn fetus, slept with it overnight, and encouraged his children to caress it. The workings of Rick Santorum's mind are too twisted for even me to fathom. And that's pretty damn twisted.

Monday, June 20, 2005

That's for squishy libr'uls

Real men don't pull out.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Boinkette on hiatus

I must sadly inform you, O readers, that I will be leaving on Tuesday for an undisclosed location (no, not Cheney's bunker), where I shall remain for five weeks without regular internet access.

I'll post when I can, but in the meantime, you can amuse yourself by visiting my links--or, if you're so inclined, by watching Mary Carey videos and mentally superimposing the Bush twins into them.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

I bet Neal Horsley wants one of these

A geep, a cross between a goat and a sheep, has been born to the surprise of the Isle of Islay farmer who owns its parents.

The Republiporn never ends

Now, Mary Carey wants to have sex with the Bush twins.

"Oh my God, his daughters! I’d LOVE to party with his daughters. I’d love to meet them. I totally want to have sex with them. You can write it the day after I leave here."

And at the same time, the Bush administration is planning to crack down on porn.

What a surprise. "Draft the twins" is one thing, but "bang the twins" apparently just goes too far....

What's next, I heart Abu Ghraib?

Conservative blog Power Line has just introduced a line of--yes, you heard right--"I heart Gitmo" merchandise.

I Heart Gitmo Ringer T I Heart Gitmo Classic Thong
I Heart Gitmo Mug       I Heart Gitmo Teddy Bear

It would make a great ironic statement if it weren't completely serious.

And I'm sure "I heart sticking chemical lightsticks up detainees' asses and strapping electrodes to their genitals" would be coming soon if it weren't too long to fit on a ringer tee, raglan hoodie, or thong.

Stop gay penguin harassment

Yup, a German mayor is circulating a petition asking for gay penguin rights, in the case of gay penguins who are set to be seduced by female penguins--who are apparently well trained in the use of weapons of mass seduction--at their zoo.

After all, penguins are people too...wait, no.

But if only Neal Horsley's poor mule had the right of choice in sexual partners that is now being procured for penguins, it would surely be much happier. And the mayor makes a moving plea:

Although the gay penguins in your city’s zoo are not entitled to vote, please protect them from this organized and coercive harassment by means of feminine seductive arts. Let the penguins continue unhindered in mating with whomever their hearts desire.

But hey, a little "organized and coercive harassment by means of feminine seductive arts" never hurt anyone...that's what I call fun.

Friday, June 17, 2005

It's so Bayh, baby

I've always thought Evan Bayh was a Hoosier hottie. So I'm voting for him in the election for the hottest US Senator.

The makers of the contest have excluded Obama, of course, because "he's so hot he'd wipe the floor with any of the others." Very true...

But the "Nice hair. Nice, tight ass" caption under Rick Santorum's picture is just not something I wanted to think about.

Better than Hillary vs. Condi

Apparently, some readers at the National Review are hoping for this matchup in 2008:



Of course, they're also hoping that the presidential debates will be replaced by mud-wrestling matches.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

So that's how they do it in Minnesota

From the NYT article on Al Franken's possible Senatorial ambitions:

"I jumped ya twice in Thief River Falls," said a middle-age woman in greeting at the pre-speech party in a tent next to the Ted Mann Concert Hall at the University of Minnesota here. The seeming inference of long-ago sexual congress would cause deep blushing elsewhere, but it actually meant that Faith Rud and Mr. Franken had bonded in a far more profoundly Minnesotan way: she had used jumper cables to revive his Volkswagen bus on a cold night long ago after a college gig.

Mary Carey does MSNBC

Video at Crooks and Liars.

It's pretty amusing. She describes how Republicans party and drink as much as porn stars (not a surprise) and even shares this little tidbit:

"I was getting propositions to have threesomes with wives or mistresses, I was offered money from oil tycoons."

Nice.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Even more Republiporn

As icky as it is, it's still better than all the Michael Jackson coverage in the media.

And after Jeff Gannon, it isn't all that surprising to see a porn star in the White House.



The White House is refusing to answer questions about its newest visitor, as some of the family values types are predictably upset and demanding an explanation.

Meanwhile, Mary Carey is declaring herself a Christian, saying she reads the Bible and prays every night.

She does make a good point about the comparison between her line of work and politics:

"I probably have less sex with those guys than any college girl [typically has]. It doesn't make me less moral," she said. "I'm sure a lot of Christians have had sex before marriage. God reads my heart. I'm a good person. ... I think I have more morals than the politicians in office. I don't rob, steal, hurt, or lie – a lot of politicians do that."




And some of the WorldNetDaily readers who gave their opinions at the end of that article were right on:

-"Basically politicians are prostitutes anyway. Why should there be a problem associating with porn stars and entrepreneurs?" (Ken Zwick)

-"If you stop and think about it, you can see where Bush might be her hero. I can't think of anyone who has screwed more people in such a short period of time. Especially the veterans." (Fred Perry)

-"Why wouldn't they use porn stars at a fund-raiser? Porn stars are about 10 steps above politicians. At least they are honest about what they do. The real question is why would the porn stars want to degrade themselves?" (Bob Bolton)



(Pictures from Americablog)

I knew Republicans liked to wrap themselves in the flag...

But this is taking it too far.

Republiporn redux

John Avrosis of Americablog interviewed Mary Carey, the porn star who is going to have dinner with the President, for his column in RADAR.

Let's just say she ain't your typical Republican. And as much as I like to gloat about the divisions in the Republican party between the pro-business/pro-porn segment and the moralistic fundies, the whole thing is just gross.

The interview starts out by listing her dreams, which sound more like nightmares to me:

It is Mary Carey’s dream to meet the President of the United States. Of course, it’s also her dream to have sex with Karl Rove, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Pat Buchanan, Alan Colmes, and one player from every NBA team. One of those dreams will come true tonight at the 2005 President’s Dinner & Salute to Freedom; when George W. Bush sits down to break bread with 6,000 Republican boosters, Carey will be there.

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY

Bill O'Reilly? With a falafel? Ewww!

John Edwards is one thing, but her list of Republicans-to-fuck is just wrong. I wouldn't be surprised if she's looking for some girl-on-girl with Ann Coulter too. Then again, maybe not, because Coulter's too skinny to have any semblance of boobs.

But in any case, it's all such a bad mental image.

And at the end of the interview, her question about a Bush other than the President is a more than a bit TMI:

Carey also think the pair can make a difference. “Politicians see the people who make porn movies as sleazy and the girls as dumb, but Mark’s not sleazy and I’m not dumb.” She pauses for a minute then asks, “Do you think I should shave my vagina tonight or tomorrow?”

Ugh. I'm standing by the t-shirt slogan "The only Bush I trust is my own." Not the President, and not some political-wannabe porn-star ditz either.

Now you too can wear Saddam's undies

From Propaganda Central:

Saddam's Undies

Maybe I should get some of these undies that Saddam "personally silk-screened with his own image."

The image “http://img199.echo.cx/img199/5590/pinksaddam1509th.gif” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Wingnut suggests labeling gays

The leader of a Christian lobby group seems to think that ass-fucking is as dangerous as chain-smoking and that gays should therefore receive a warning label:

"We put warning labels on cigarette packs because we know that smoking takes one to two years off the average life span, yet we 'celebrate' a lifestyle that we know spreads every kind of sexually transmitted disease and takes at least 20 years off the average life span according to the 2005 issue of the revered scientific journal Psychological Reports," Rev. Bill Banuchi, executive director of the New York Christian Coalition told the Mid Hudson News.

What does he want, a rainbow badge on every gay person? A "This deviant lifestyle may be hazardous to your health" disclaimer?

Personally, I think it's time to start labeling hateful fundamentalists. I was going to make a crack about putting a red symbol consisting of multiple concentric circles on them, but that wouldn't be very nice and besides, we lib'rul peaceniks wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone a fundamentalist.

I think a simple "Warning: Contains high levels of intolerance" sticker should suffice.

Clinton's loving it

Maybe this girl will be his next intern. She already has brown hair and likes to wear blue. And to top it off, she goes to Ball State.

Photo

Porn n' Republicans

Porn star Mary Carey is holding a press conference to reveal what she'll wear to dinner with President Bush.

I just wonder if she's going to bring Jeff Gannon as her escort--er, date.



Media Alert

Porn Star Mary Carey to Reveal
What She’ll Wear to President Bush’s Dinner!

Date: Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Time: 3:00 p.m.
Place: Coyote Ugly Saloon
717 6th St. NW (at G Pl. NW)

Event: Mary Carey Pre-Presidential Dinner Fashion Show/Press Conference

Who: Porn star and former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey will be joining her boss, Kick Ass Pictures president Mark Kulkis, in attending a dinner with President Bush on Tuesday evening, June 14. Kulkis was invited to attend the event by the National Republican Congressional Committee (NRCC), which is organizing the event. Kulkis serves as an Honorary Chairman on the NRCC’s Business Advisory Council. His company produces hardcore adult videos with a guarantee of “No Fake Boobs & No Condoms.”

What: This press conference will cover several topics.

* First and foremost, Carey will put on a mini-fashion show on Coyote Ugly’s bar, displaying the outfit she will be wearing to the President’s Dinner later that evening.

* Kulkis & Carey will reveal what happened at their luncheon with Karl Rove a few hours earlier.

* Kulkis & Carey will discuss how the president of a porn company and his contract superstar were invited to attend a Republican fundraiser, and why they accepted. (Kulkis has said: “Republicans bill themselves as the pro-business party. Well, you won’t find a group of people more pro-business than pornographers. We contributed over $10 billion to the national economy last year.”)

* Carey is expected to officially announce her candidacy for Lieutenant Governor of California in 2006.

Contact: Jef Hickey
Office: (323) 981-1700 x16
Cell: (323) 377-5565

Republicans have dirty minds

Because they apparently think that Bill Clinton raped Hillary to conceive Chelsea.

How low can they go?!

Well, Cheney can go pretty low too--now he's insulting Howard Dean's mother. And they say Dean is over the top....

Maybe Dean should just start cracking "yo mama" jokes back at him. Like:

Yo mama is so dumb, she sent thousands of troops to their deaths on false premises.

Yo mama is so fat, Tom DeLay made her a whole congressional district.

Yo mama is so old, they didn't have Social Security when she was growing up, and if it gets privatized your kids won't have it either.

Yo mama is so nasty, she kills kittens with Bill Frist.

Yo mama is so ugly, even Lynndie England won't look at her.

Yo mama is so fat, she fell on the wall between church and state and broke it.

Yo mama is so fat, she's bigger than the national deficit.

Yo mama is so dumb, she reads The Pet Goat in emergencies.

Yo mama is so ugly, she's uglier than what the Republicans are doing to our country.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Now that's exposure

After pie fight ad controversy at Daily Kos, in which Markos blew off his female readers' criticism of a potentially offensive advertisement and generally behaved like a sexist jerk, one poster has a suggestion for how he can make amends:

Ouch

In yet another creative demonstration, hundreds of cyclists rode naked in London to protest the West's oil dependency and promote bicycle use.

I bet there's a bunch of guys in London who won't be daddies anytime soon....

A similar protest also took place in Spain, and the organizers of World Naked Bike Ride 2005 are expecting to hold them soon in other countries, including the US.

Let's just say that's one protest I'm not going to be joining in, as much as I appreciate the sentiment behind it. But it would definitely be amusing to watch.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Now this is my kind of political action

Members of a watch group in Michigan have dressed up as prostitutes to make their point about fighting prostitution and drugs.

Next thing you know, they're going to be dressing up as Republicans...

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Political mysteries

Mr. Sun speculates on what he sees as the new mysteries of post-Deep Throat politics, including these two:

-Can you catch rabies from the saliva of Howard Dean when he is foaming at the mouth, or must you have unprotected anal sex with him to be at risk? Yeeeaaaghhh!

-Who is a total freak in the sack that you wouldn't expect? It's Lieberman, isn't it? I knew it.

Off course it's Lieberman--everyone knows he gets off on kissing Bush's ass....

And as for Dean, I would think the latter. That must be what he meant by "taking back the White House."

Is that...hair gel?

There's something about Wolfie.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

The dancing pill is your friend

Ok, I've heard of a Pillsbury Doughboy, but a life-sized Pill? Planned Parenthood, which is featuring a giant pill and pill pack to celebrate the 40th anniversary of Griswold v. Connecticut, apparently thinks that will amuse people.





Umm, yeah. A giant fluffy Pill would sure make me want to start using birth control...if I were five.

Next thing you know, kids are going to be clamoring for Life-Sized Birth Control instead of Life-Sized Barbie.

Gasp--Bush has balls!

Or at least one ball, apparently, but I think that's about it...

Monday, June 06, 2005

More naked pyramids on the way?

A judge has ordered the Pentagon to release 100 new photos of prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib. Fun stuff.

After all, who needs Playboy when you've got Lynndie England, a hood, and some electrical wire?

Well, um, not most people.

But for those who seem to get off on torture--aka the Bush administration and their rightwing apologists--this should offer plenty of new inspiration.

Stickin' with the theme of eights

I'll just let the story speak for itself:

Police made a surprising discovery when they busted the alleged madam of a prostitution ring called "August Playmates": The woman running the show was an 80-year-old grandmother.

Authorities arrested Vera Tursi last month during a sting operation to crack down on prostitution rings posing as legal escort services. Police say Tursi ran the business from her two-bedroom apartment, taking $60 of every $160 she charged clients for one hour with a call girl.

Law enforcement officials say Tursi admitted her role in the business, saying she took it over a few years ago from her daughter, who had died. Police say Tursi told them she needed money to subsidize her Social Security checks.

See, all the more reason not to privatize Social Security. If old ladies can't count on their Social Security checks, more of them might turn to the world's oldest business.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Whatever are they comparing??

I don't want to know.

bush_abbas_palestine.jpg

(Nor, for the record, do I support the anti-Israel bias of the post I got this picture from--but I think the commenters set the poster straight, and besides, a funny picture is a funny picture.)

Friday, June 03, 2005

Fruit fly porn in the NYT!

Scientists have just discovered that changing one gene in a fruit fly makes it gay.

And the New York Times had a bit too much fun in its description of a newly lesbian fruit fly behaving like a typical male fruit fly:

When the genetically altered fruit fly was released into the observation chamber, it did what these breeders par excellence tend to do. It pursued a waiting virgin female. It gently tapped the girl with its leg, played her a song (using wings as instruments) and, only then, dared to lick her - all part of standard fruit fly seduction.

Wow, my wings are getting wet just reading that.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Inspired by JurassicPork's list of chicken-crossing explanations, I decided to write my own. Not all of them are dirty, but I think enough of them are to warrant posting here and besides, a little general political humor never hurt anyone.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Zell Miller: It was armed with spitballs!

John McCain: It was a maverick and didn't want to stay on one side all the time.

A red-stater: Because it hates America.

A blue-stater: It's going to Canada! Go, chicken, go!

Bush: To join the Axis of Fowl.

Lynndie England: I don't know, but I'm pointing at its penis!

Michael Moore: Because it wanted to invade Afghanistan so it could build an oil pipleline.

John Kerry: I voted for the resolution providing funding for the chicken to cross the road before I voted against it.

John Edwards: There are two Americas, and the chicken was trying to cross from one America into the other.

Jenna Bush: Maybe it was drunk, like me.

Bernie Kerik: To meet its lover in its apartment overlooking Ground Zero.

Bill Clinton: It depends on what the definition of 'chicken' is.

Bill Frist: It was trying to filibuster, and I want to stop it from using the filibuster to discriminate against people of faith.

Tom DeLay: Why would you suggest that the chicken was paid by lobbyists to cross the road?

W. Mark Felt: It was on its way to break into the Democratic headquarters.

John Ashcroft: I don't know, but naked chickens are indecent, and I think we should cover it with a drape. I also think we should look at its library records and medical records just in case.

Tom Ridge: A chicken has crossed the road? Raise the Escaped Poultry alert to yellow!

Jerry Falwell: Clearly, the chicken is promoting the homosexual agenda and must be stopped.

James Dobson: It was on its way to a gay orgy with Sponge Bob Square Pants.

Dick Cheney: It was going to an undisclosed location.

Osama bin Laden: Because it was an infidel! Death to chickens!

Condi Rice: I believe the title of the memo was, "Chicken Determined to Crosss Road within United States."

Baghdad Bob: There is no chicken! The chicken is just a lie made up by the Americans! There are no chickens entering Baghdad right now!

Hans Blix: The chicken did not possess weapons of mass destruction.

Robert Novak: The chicken was a secret CIA agent.

Howard Dean: YYEEEEEAAARRRGGGHHH!

A suicide bomber: It was on its way to become a martyr and get 72 virgin chickens in heaven.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: It was a girly chicken!

Paul Wolfowitz: The chicken was trying to spread freedom and democracy around the world.

Bill O'Reilly: It was entering a No-Spin Zone.

Ted Kennedy: Looks like it's headed toward that lake over there.

Al Gore: I invented the chicken. And I want to put it in a lockbox.

Tom Coburn: Chickens who crossed the road should be punished by the death penalty. Even though I crossed the road myself a few times when I was younger.

Swift Boat Chickens for Truth: The chicken never really went to Cambodia like it claimed to, and it didn't deserve any of its Purple Hearts.

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi: Who cares why the chicken crossed the road? I'm going to cut its head off!

Newsweek: Our anonymous source told us that the chicken was flushing the Koran down the toilet.

Rick Santorum: If you start letting chickens cross the road, next thing you know it'll be chicken-on-dog!

Jim West: Of course the chicken wasn't out looking for gay younger chickens--the chicken isn't gay, and neither am I.

David Hager: I didn't see a chicken--I was too busy raping my wife in the ass.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Don't ask, don't tell

Looks like these Air Force cadets are having a bit too much fun celebrating their graduation...

Photo

I'm not sure I want to know

One of Americablog's readers suggests that Bush is describing a Horsley-like experience with a non-human girlfriend. Considering his penchant for milking male horses, I wouldn't put it past him.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Why don't we do this in America?

I'd sure like to see a bunch of 20-something guys running around naked to protest the government's education policy, as they recently did in Manila.

The leader of the group behind the protest summed it up thus: "We are here not to show our bodies but to bare the government's shortcomings."

How would that carry over into American politics? Perhaps we'd see nude activists clamoring for No Behind Left Behind...

Going beyond Viagra politics, for more than four hours

Matt Miller opines in today's Times that both parties need to go beyond their recent admirable measures to prevent sex offenders from receiving state-subsidized Viagra, and behave similarly on more substantial issues.

He then goes on to write about such, ahem, hard issues that he thinks both parties need to be more honest about, from Social Security to the national debt.

Honesty from politicians? That's like asking for abstinence from Bill Clinton. Or sticking to his own species for Neal Horsley.

The punchline of the column is just about as much as you can get away with in a family newspaper:

It may take a jolt to the system more powerful than the one Viagra delivers to rouse us from the torpor of charades-as-usual. Then again, now that Deep Throat has been unveiled, maybe anything is possible.

So basically, Miller's saying that the public needs some political Viagra in order to recognize that we're being screwed.

I can't argue with that sentiment.