Boinkette

The best part of politics: because they're all screwing us anyway.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Hey, I'm not the only one amused by Santorum

Inspired by the winning sentence in a bad writing competition, Liz over at BlondeSense came up with this:

Dick Sanitorium's Dilemma
"I'm not apologizing to that fat fuck in Massachusetts" spewed the shaking senatorial, frothy mix of fecal matter and lube, visibly upset by the public and indignant request for an apology for declaring what he knows is true: Liberalism is what allows priests to enjoy a near Pompeiian lifestyle; "Liberalism is what made ME homosexual," sweat was now pouring from his brow, red and swollen with veins he hadn't popped since his altar boy days, "If I have to pretend to be righteous, catholic AND heterosexual, then I will use all my power to see to it that all homosexuals are put back in the closet where they belong, so help me God!"

"Time's up, Senator. You'd better see me again tomorrow," winced Dr. Seymour Cohen, psychiatrist and sex therapist for the US Senate.

Yet another Republi-pervert pops out of the, er, woodwork

It just never ends, does it?

A Denton County constable drove to a Colorado restaurant on Thursday and called a woman he met through the Internet to let her know he had arrived, according to court papers.

Instead of Marsha showing up with her 8-year-old daughter for a sexual encounter, he met her colleagues – Cañon City, Colo., police officers.

Larry Dale Floyd, a 62-year-old constable from The Colony, was arrested on suspicion of soliciting to have sex with a child and was charged with seven related crimes, Cañon City police said.

Not surprisingly:

Mr. Floyd has been a Denton County constable since 1993. A Republican, Mr. Floyd was unopposed in his most recent re-election in November.

"My promise to the people was to have a high level of visibility and to serve the citizens in a professional manner," Mr. Floyd wrote on the Web site for his Constable's Office.

Well, he sure wanted to serve some of his citizens, but that isn't exactly what I'd call professional...

Friday, July 29, 2005

The Santorum insanity never ends

Now he thinks that birth control harms women because it gives them the freedom to have sex without fear of pregnancy.

I'd really, really like to hear what Santorum's take on the issue would be if he were capable of becoming pregnant.

Yes, I'm sure you are

From the disclaimer above an Americablog post about Jeff Gannon (emphasis, as usual, mine):

WARNING: A number of the links in this story are to x-rated photographs, and some of those might prove shocking to some people. Please exercise your own discretion when clicking. (And, as you read, please forgive the necessary typos - I'm going for rock-solid facts, rather than spelling.)

Austrians expose themselves to art

Talk about an exhibit:

VIENNA, Austria --
Vienna's prestigious Leopold Museum is usually a pretty buttoned-down place, but on Friday, some of the nudes in its marble galleries were for real.

Scores of naked or scantily clad people wandered the museum, lured by an offer of free entry to "The Naked Truth," a new exhibition of early 1900s erotic art, if they showed up wearing just a swimsuit -- or nothing at all.

It's just a good thing the US government doesn't work that way--as much as I would have loved to see John Edwards campaign in the buff, there are, as Wonkette notes, just too many ugly people in Washington.

Frist changes positions!

Sorry, but that was the first thing that came to my mind when I found out that Bill Frist had broken with Bush to support funding for stem cell research.

Clearly that permissive lib'rul Boston culture has spread to North Carolina

Because they've just found themselves a pervert pastor:

GREENVILLE (AP) — A Baptist pastor has been accused of sexual exploitation and peeping after investigators found videotapes showing at least 10 women and girls at his church undressing and using the bathroom, a Pitt County sheriff's investigator said Wednesday.

Leon E. Harris, 54, is charged with six felony counts of secretly peeping and four felony counts of sexual exploitation of a minor. He was released Wednesday after posting bond of $30,000, said Lee Moore, Pitt County chief of investigations.

Perhaps Santorum would have something to say about a guy whose family values include videotaping 9-, 7-, and 5-year old girls in the bathroom.

But Moore, the chief of investigations, does have something to say: "This is just the tip of the iceberg."

Indeed. If Hairy Old Harris hadn't let himself be led around by the tip of his iceberg, perhaps he wouldn't be in such trouble today.

Oh, the irony

The delicious irony.

From the right-wing AgapePress by way of Pam's House Blend (emphasis mine):

Staton believes CAP leaders have an ulterior motive for ignoring the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy in the military. "You almost would think that Civil Air Patrol's allowance of homosexuals and other deviants in these programs is almost a back-door way to root away at Don't Ask, Don't Tell," he suggests -- adding that such undermining of the policy could possibly lead to openly homosexual individuals serving in the armed forces."

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Please no...

Did I really need to read Jesus' General's take on the potential Rove affair?

More importantly, [a Rove affair with his lobbyist] would put an end to all the talk about Mr. Rove and that harlot, Jeff Gannon. Every time I think about it, I get this mental picture of Mr. Rove on all fours like Ned Beatty in Deliverance, his flabby flesh rippling and his belly and man-breasts bouncing in a rhythm dictated by Gannon's furious pounding and punctuated by Karl's calf-like bellows. I'd rather not have to picture that anymore.

Yeah, so would I, so uh, thanks for saving me from that image...

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Neal Horsley would love this offer

But Bill Clinton--to whom a Kenyan man has offered 40 goats and 20 cows in exchange for Chelsea's hand in marriage--is probably not too thrilled.

What the hell is Rummy doing in Iraq?

First he's popping up and stiffening spines, and now this:

In Surprise Visit to Baghdad, Rumsfeld Prods Iraqi Leaders

Prodding "Iraqi leaders" eh?

I guess New York Times reporters have nothing better to do than sit around coming up with ambiguously sexual headlines.

Damn, I want that job.

Unintentionally amusing headline of the day

From Americablog:

Rumsfeld Pops Up in Iraq

The first sentence of the post kinda goes along with that theme:

Rumsfeld went to Iraq to stiffen the spine of its leaders.

Well, well. I suppose he's in between Iraq and a hard place?

Bad mental image file, roving Rove edition

Reporting on the Rove infidelity gossip, Pam's House Blend refers to the organ in question as "Karl's possibly wandering wiener."

Not something I wanted to imagine! Perhaps she meant he has a runaway dachshund...

I just like the title of this site

Although, upon further thought, the mental image it conjures is a bit disturbing:

Santorum Exposed

As is its call to "help us expose Rick Santorum in every corner of the Internet." I don't particularly want Santorum to become the next Paris Hilton.

Although it would be pretty funny if he were found doing it doggie-style, wouldn't it?

Karl Rove's family values

There's a rumor going around that Turd Blossom is having an affair with a lobbyist friend.

Hey, at least it's not a mule.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Honest Abe, eh?

Campus Progress is holding a contest for the best misinterpretation of a historical quote, inspired by recent right-wing misquoting of Paul Begala.

As an example, they offer this:

Lincoln accuses Pierce Administration officials of sexual liaisons
Before settling down to a dull explication of the progress and objectives of the Civil War, President Lincoln opened a Pennsylvania speech by offering veiled charges that, in 1856, a quartet of officials in Franklin Pierce’s administration engaged in sexual couplings. “Four score,” Lincoln told the startled crowd, “and seven years ago!”

All I have to say is: A house divided cannot stand, unless it has Viagra.

Is Rick Santorum that kid from American Pie?

You know, the one who was fond of Eastern mysticism and Stiffler's mom?

Amanda over at Pandagon thinks so:

He's probably a closet aficianado of Tantra and is trying to get American men to learn the art of refraining from ejaculation. He can't just come out and admit something like that, though, or the Focus on Family sorts would shit a brick. So instead he disguises himself as a sex-phobic religious wacko and simply hopes that deprived of our contraception, American men will embrace the practice of refraining from ejaculation out of sheer necessity.

Uggh! My virgin eyes!

Luckily, she's just joking, although the alternate suggestion isn't too much more appetizing:

Ha! I'm kidding, of course. Santorum is actually just trying to shake Americans out of their routine missionary positions. Being a good Catholic, he knows that a surefire way to get people more interested in oral and anal sex is to take away their contraception. No funny business Tantra stuff for him. Just good old Catholic school "anal isn't sex" desperation.

Well, sure gives new meaning to calling uptight Republicans anal.

Plus, Santorum is already an asshole, and a pain in the ass to upright Democrats/liberals/sane people everywhere, so it's not too much of a stretch, so to speak...

No Santorum in '08

Ricky has decided not to run, which is too bad--it would have been fun to see the debates turn into a discussion of "man-on-dog."

Why I love the New York Times

Who else would entitle an editorial It Depends on What 'Member' Means?

Of course, they're really referring to whether John Roberts belonged to the Federalist Society.

...Or are they?

The world's first dildo

Holy phallus!


A sculpted and polished phallus found in a German cave is among the earliest representations of male sexuality ever uncovered, researchers say.

The 20cm-long, 3cm-wide stone object, which is dated to be about 28,000 years old, was buried in the famous Hohle Fels Cave near Ulm in the Swabian Jura.

The prehistoric "tool" was reassembled from 14 fragments of siltstone.

"Tool," hee hee...

Its life size suggests it may well have been used as a sex aid by its Ice Age makers, scientists report.

Hey, cavewomen had to find something to do while the men were out hunting wooly mammoth.

Monday, July 25, 2005

But that's no fun

The Church of England has decided to give its blessing to gay clergy who enter into civil partnerships, as long as they don't have sex.

Perhaps this is a good time for such clergy to bring out the old Clinton line, "it depends on what the definition of sex is."

Nice to know

Gay activist Michelangelo Signorile heard about a candidate for the Supreme Court who sounded quite similar to Jim West:

"There was a contender for the federal judiciary in the George W. Bush administration who I began receiving information ... about him making sexual advances on men in gyms in Washington and other cities," Signorile told us Friday. Immediately after sex, "he would ... go into a religious tirade and then tell them how morally wrong all this was. His record was really conservative."

Some people like to smoke after sex, but that's going a little far...

So Signorile let the White House know, and while they never returned his calls, Mr. Closet "was just quietly no longer a contender!"

Which is good: a 100% white-bread boring guy like Roberts is bad enough, but a closeted homophobe would have been even worse. Can you even imagine if he had run into Scalia or Thomas after work at the gym?

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Surprise!

Sex is good for you.

But, as Planned Parenthood concludes that it's sexual intimacy, not just sex itself, that confers such benefits, I don't think Republi-perverts like Neal Horsley, Jim West, and David Hager are reaping them. Kinda hard to be intimate with someone outside your species, huh?

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Typo of the Day

"Things are getting very bed for the administration. Couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch of arrogant liars."
- Americablog

You tell 'em, John

From the Boston Globe's Quotes of Note:

"In Washington I work with boobs every day."
-Senator JOHN McCAIN, defending his cameo appearance in the movie ''Wedding Crashers," dubbed a ''boob raunchfest" by the Drudge Report

Friday, July 22, 2005

Look, it's Neal Horsley's girlfriend

Baaa.

Sheepletv

Get underneath Roberts' robe

Underneath Their Robes has a handy-dandy quiz on the "#5 Superhottie of the Federal Judiciary."

David Brooks hearts John Roberts

Must we really be subjected to Brooks waxing poetic about judicial nominations?

Roberts nomination, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee with the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach. I love thee freely, as men strive for right. I love thee because this is the way government is supposed to work. President Bush consulted widely, moved beyond the tokenism of identity politics and selected a nominee based on substance, brains, careful judgment and good character.

I love thee because John G. Roberts is the face of today's governing conservatism.

Hmmm...seems Brooksie has a wee bit of a crush on the pretty boy judge, eh? I bet he'd like that robed cutie to be the face of his governing conservatism any day.

But somehow, the thought of token-conservative-columnist- on-enigmatic-judicial-nominee doesn't quite do it for me.

Do real men pull out?

Well, Israel does...and it's thinking about pulling out even earlier than it had planned.

Ah, speedy, speedy Israel.

The premature withdrawal is being contemplated in order to avoid further protests and illegal entries into the area:

Israeli police and military officials are concerned that demonstrators from the West Bank who oppose Israel's plans are slipping into Gaza despite its status as a closed military zone.

Slipping into Gaza? Oh, so that's what they call it these days.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Where did Bill O'Reilly learn his love of loofahs?

In Boston, apparently!

While discussing Rick Santorum's recent remarks that blamed Boston's liberal atmosphere for its priest abuse scandal, this exchange came up:

Santorum: I was not criticizing Boston any more than you could put in any other name of any other city...

O'Reilly: Well, you were in the sense that you said that Boston was a hotbed of this sexual revolution, and it was. I was--I was in college in Boston, and, and I [awkward pause]. Look, there's no doubt that that's a liberal town, and it's more sexually progressive than, say, Birmingham, Alabama.

Bill! Who woulda thunk?

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Pandas gone wild

First it was fruit fly porn, now it's panda porn.

Yes, a 4-year old Chinese panda has just become pregnant after being shown videotapes of pandas mating.

Where's Santorum when you need him?

Funny, I don't remember that being a scholarship requirement when I applied to college

In Uganda, a lawmaker is offering to pay tuition for girls who are virgins when they graduate high school.

But hey, he doesn't say anything about once those girls get to college...

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Bush nominates John Roberts

And that amuses me only because, after watching the episode of Sex & the City in which Trey refers to his member as his "John Thomas," any name beginning with John seems funny.

However, right-wing judges are not actually very funny.

Bush to annouce his pick for the SCOTUS tonight!

Sorry, I just had to say that because it sounds dirty. SCOTUS, hee hee, SCOTUS...

Quotes of the day, Karl Rove edition

"There are hints now that President Bush might be backing away from Karl Rove. Like, today, he gave him a new job -- ambassador to Iraq. You know what's interesting -- this whole Karl Rove scandal -- it's just like the Clinton scandal. It involves a pudgy person in the Oval Office who can't keep their mouth shut." -- Jay Leno

Karl Rove is in a lot of trouble for allegedly leaking the name of a CIA operative. Remember the good old days when the only thing leaking in the White House was President Clinton?" --Jay Leno

More fruit fly porn in the Times

Apparently they have nothing better to write about over there:

The male's usual courtship behavior is pretty fancy for a little fly. He approaches the female, taps her with his forelegs, sings a song by vibrating his wing, licks her and curls his abdomen for mating. If she is impressed she slows down and accepts his proposal. If not, she buzzes her wings at him, a gesture that needs no translation.

Monday, July 18, 2005

The tale of the gardener and his hoe

Literally, that is.

In Leland, Michigan, the caretakers of the town's school gardens have posed naked (with strategically placed props, of course) in a calendar to raise money for the gardens.

There's been a bit of an uproar because the school system's superintendent is among the hoe-holding nude dudes. Some parents are worried that he is not behaving as a good role model for their children.

But hey, you've gotta do what you gotta do to make your garden grow.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Too funny

But if I steal pictures from Wonkette, they disappear. So you'll have to hop on over there yourself to see what all the fuss is about. (Hint: it's an only slightly doctored picture of Bush appearing to receive something usually considered the province of Clinton.)

The biggest problem in our society is...

Violence? Nah, must be sex.

At least according to Hillary Clinton and Joe "I love the taste of Bush's ass in the morning" Lieberman, who are disturbed to find hidden pornographic content in the popular video game Grand Theft Auto:

The content can be unlocked by using the "Hot Coffee" code modification widely available on the Internet. By installing the modification, gamers can have their drivers find different girlfriends in the game who will have a "cup of hot coffee" -- a euphemism for sex -- with them.

"Hot coffee"? That's a new one. Damn, the kids are creative these days.

Too creative for Hillary--she's proposing legislation to keep sex out of violent video games and to, er, stiffen the video games rating system.

And I thought this kind of stuff only came from the likes of Santorum.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Oh, so now he says it's big

Either that, or it's just his usual "What, me worry?" gesture.

The Bad Mental Image Files, Leaky edition

How do people come up with headlines like this?

Twists and squirms in White House leak

Oh dear

New York City firefighters are losing their poles.

Wow

Mr. Sun's Novak vs. Jolie comparison raises some good questions:

Whose lips are sexier?

Who is most often in bed with bad men doing dirty things?

Who has raided more tombs?

Who has toyed with the fate of men's wives?

Who is available for a price to assist in presenting compelling fiction?

What's all this talk of leaks?

I really don't want to think about anything involving Karl Rove and leaking.

Maybe that floats Mary Carey's boat, but it sure doesn't float mine.

Boinkette's back, all right!

(Sorry, couldn't help myself...)

Yes, the gutter-minded political junkie you all know and love is back from an undisclosed location and ready to start scouring the internets for amusing news again.

What will catch the eye of Boinkette next? Perhaps Santorum will run off with Rehnquist and leave a gaping vacancy on the Supreme Court that can only be filled by, well, Bill Clinton. Perhaps Neal Horsley's mule will file a lawsuit against him, starring John Edwards as the sexy beast-representer. Perhaps Condi and Angelina Jolie really will have a mudwrestling presidential contest. Who knows what lies in store?

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Santorum projects again

He thinks that Boston's priest sex abuse scandal is due to the city's liberal atmosphere. Yeah, you know those liberal Catholic priests.

Not to mention the fact that the city with the largest abuse scandal is in, well, Kentucky.

Perhaps Santorum should just go back to mouthing off on things he actually knows something about--like say, interspecies relations...

Sunday, July 10, 2005

I bet Jim West wishes he could go to this camp

A federal appeals court has reinstated a lawsuit challenging a Virginia law that requires parental supervision at a teen nudist camp.

Heck, the kids are probably safer naked without each other's parents around.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Just for fun

Check out Slate's history of the vibrator.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

As usual...

Bush skirts the issue.

You know what the say about big hands...

Long presidencies.


I knew it!

Evan Bayh wins for Hottest US Senator not counting Obama.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

My vote for Supreme Court justice

Now that Sandra Day O'Connor is stepping down, a mad rush is on to find the next Supreme Court justice.

Why not Mary Carey? She'd be better than any of the boobs Bush wants to appoint....