Boinkette

The best part of politics: because they're all screwing us anyway.

Friday, September 30, 2005

What is it with these storms?

Yes, there is a typhoon named Longwang.

I'll leave the dirty jokes up to Mr. Sun and his commenters.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Baaad mental image

Courtesy of Wonkette:

Thursday, September 22, 2005

That's an, um, interesting looking hurricane

Americablog sure got it right with the title of their post: Is that a hurricane in your pocket?


Clinton, er, goes down in history

Wow.

BEIJING -- A new line of condoms is grabbing headlines in China even as its sparks a debate about trademark law and promotion campaigns. The products' brand names: "Clinton" and "Lewinsky."

The condoms are sold in boxes of 12, with the brand named after former President Bill Clinton priced at $3.70 and that of former White House intern Monica Lewinsky at $2.25.


I guess she's just, um, cheap...

Guangzhou Haojian Bioscience Co. said it registered both trademarks and is pricing the brands differently to reflect the higher quality of the Clinton line.

"We chose the name because we think Clinton is a symbol of success and a man of responsibility. And Lewinsky is a woman who dares to love and dares to hate," said Liu Wenhua, the company's general manager.


More like dares to blow, but whatever floats your boat.

"We haven't told Clinton about this yet, but maybe you could help us find him," Liu added. "We'd like to tell him how respected he is in China, so we can boost his confidence and help his career."

Yeah, I'm sure he would love that.

I don't even know what kind of joke to make, because the joke about goverment being like a condom (stands up to inflation, gives you a sense of security while you're really being screwed, etc) is so old that I just can't go there. I'll just let the story speak for itself.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Remember that pervert judge?

Well, his trial's still going on:

BRISTOW, Okla. --Jurors hearing the case against a former judge accused of exposing himself in his Creek County courtroom will be allowed to see the sex toy at the center of the state's allegations, a judge ruled Tuesday in rejecting a defense motion.

They also can hear testimony that a second "penis pump" was seen under former District Judge Donald Thompson's bench, among other evidence Thompson's attorneys sought to have barred from next week's scheduled trial.


Now that sure makes jury duty more fun than usual.

I wish I lived in New York

Because I'd love to support their mayoral candidate:

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Monday, September 19, 2005

Wow...I'm glad they don't do this in America

Because I sure wouldn't want to have seen Kerry streaking after Bush won:

WELLINGTON, New Zealand --A Green Party lawmaker who pledged to run naked through the streets if a rival party leader was re-elected said he will honor his word.

Legislator Keith Locke, the Green Party's foreign affairs spokesman, said Monday he didn't want to break an election promise.

He had said he would do the nude dash if rightist Act Party leader Rodney Hide won a parliamentary seat in the Aukland suburb of Epsom. Regarded as an outside chance, Hide romped home in the contest Saturday with a 3,200-vote majority.


Here, politicians may be dicks, but at least they don't show them.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

I don't think John Tierney meant it quite this way

But the title of his latest column sure sounds like it's about Bill Clinton:

Going (Down) by the Book

Friday, September 16, 2005

In case you were wondering what the Rapex looks like

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Well, nature calls even the leader of the free world

And when that happens, he turns to Condi:

Yes, you could call it that

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Rude Pundit comes up with the grossest possible scenario yet again

From his vision of the 9/11 "Freedom Walk" commemoration:

Yep, all that meat will be laced with love doves, and just as the Freedom Walkers begin to feel that heat course through their bodies, as the Army Marching Band blares "America the Beautiful," Dick and Lynne Cheney will appear and begin to fuck madly on the stage, with Dick yellin', "Lemme slam my jumbo jet into your Foggy Bottom of love." Donald Rumsfeld'll bring out a model of the Twin Towers and shove them into Condi's asshole and cooz, the Secretary of State wearing nothing but Ferragamo shoes, shrieking in toothy orgasm as Rumsfeld tries to desperately masturbate onto Condi's hair. This'll be a signal for the real freedom to begin: the clothes'll start bein' ripped off as everyone begins to writhe in the blood and meat spilled all over the ground of the National Mall, fellating and rimming and muff diving and fucking hard and fucking soft and fucking for God, for country, for Bush, all for freedom, man, all for the victims, all for the troops, all, all for lettin' freedom fuckin' ring.

Slam his jumbo jet into her Foggy Bottom of love? That's certainly a new one.

Neal Horsley, take note

Ouch.

San Francisco - A man died of internal injuries from sex with a stallion at a ranch used by a bestiality ring, police in the northwestern United States state of Washington said on Monday.

The man suffered fatal trauma while being sodomised by a stallion at a stud farm that catered to men who wanted sex with animals, Enumclaw Police Commander Eric Sortland told AFP.


If he wanted to have sex with animals, why didn't he just find a Republican? (Kidding, kidding...well, sort of...)

...A cache of hundreds of hours of videotaped man-on-beast sex sessions was found hidden in a field, Sortland said.

The animals kept at the farm included ponies, horses, goats, sheep and dogs, according to the police commander.

Uh, that sure gives a new meaning to "My Little Pony."

Images of the flock of offerings on the bestial dude ranch were relayed over the internet and records indicate men had come from throughout the United States, according to police.

"Unfortunately, these people were very diligent in filming their activities," Sortland said of a viewing task detectives have found unpleasant.


Maybe they should hire Horsley for that task. Then again, they probably don't want to get the evidence all messy.

...Because sex with animals is not barred by law in Washington state, no arrests have been made, according to police who nonetheless continued to investigate on Monday to determine whether any illegal activity had taken place at the ranch.

Maybe Rick Santorum should give up fighting gay marriage and just start a project to outlaw bestiality in Washington, for which his "man-on-dog" rhetoric would be better suited.

Friday, September 09, 2005

We always knew Hillary had big balls

Here she proves it.

Um...yeah.

They're certainly thinking outside the, er, box in South Africa:

KLEINMOND, South Africa (Reuters) - A South African inventor unveiled a new anti-rape female condom on Wednesday that hooks onto an attacker's penis and aims to cut one of the highest rates of sexual assault in the world.

"Nothing has ever been done to help a woman so that she does not get raped and I thought it was high time," Sonette Ehlers, 57, said of the "rapex," a device worn like a tampon that has sparked controversy in a country used to daily reports of violent crime.


Rapex? Wow.

Police statistics show more than 50,000 rapes are reported every year, while experts say the real figure could be four times that as they say most rapes of acquaintances or children are never reported.

Ehlers said the "rapex" hooks onto the rapist's skin, allowing the victim time to escape and helping to identify perpetrators.

If I had a penis, I'd definitely be cringing right now.

"He will obviously be too pre-occupied at this stage," she told reporters in Kleinmond, a small holiday village about 100km (60 miles) east of Cape Town. "I promise you he is going to be too sore. He will go straight to hospital."

The device, made of latex and held firm by shafts of sharp barbs, can only be removed from the man through surgery which will alert hospital staff, and ultimately, the police, she said.

I can just imagine that.

"Doctor, doctor, I have a sharp object attached to my penis!"

"Are you choking?"

"No, I'm serious!"

(Sorry, I seem to have mixed up my "doctor, doctor" jokes...heh.)

Ehlers, who showed off a prototype on Wednesday, said women had tried it for comfort and it had been tested on a plastic male model but not yet on a live man.

Uh, I wonder why?

Perhaps the US should volunteer its president and head of FEMA to test out the device.

...But the "rapex" has raised fears amongst anti-rape activists that it could escalate violence against women.

"If a victim is wearing such a device it may enrage the attacker further and possibly result in more harm being caused," said Sam Waterhouse, advocacy coordinator for Rape Crisis.

Other critics say the condom is medieval and barbaric -- an accusation Ehlers says should be directed rather at the act of rape.

And I can imagine a woman who's pissed off at her husband, a la Lorena Bobbitt, using it just for spite...

But even with those possibilites, it may still be worth it. Anything that reduces rape is a good thing. It may be time to prepare for a lot of South African men running around with their legs crossed.

And if we in the US can use it on the members of the administration who have been raping our country for the past five years, all the better.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Finally some good news

Why the Onion is better than real news, part #983,406, 821

Screw copyright laws, I'm just going to copy & paste it all.

God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again

September 7, 2005 | Issue 41•36

Louisiana National Guard Offers Help By Phone From Iraq

BAGHDAD—The 4,000 Louisiana National Guardsmen stationed in Iraq, representing over a third of the state's troops, called home this week to find out what, if any, help they could offer Katrina survivors from overseas. "The soldiers wanted to know if they could call 911 for anyone, or perhaps send some water via FedEx," said Louisiana National Guard spokesman Lt. Col. Pete Schneider. The Guardsmen also "would love to send generators, rations, and Black Hawk helicopters for rescue missions," but, said Schneider, "we desperately need these in Iraq to stay alive." Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld praised the phone support, but noted that it would take months to transfer any equipment from Iraq to New Orleans, saying, "You fight a national disaster with the equipment you have."

Government Relief Workers Mosey In To Help

NEW ORLEANS—Federal Emergency Management Agency director Michael Brown, leading a detachment of 7,500 relief workers, moseyed on down to New Orleans Monday afternoon. "Well, I do declare, it's my job to see if any of these poor folks need any old thing," Brown said from his command rocker on the command post porch, adding, "Mighty hot day, ain't it?" Follow-up teams of emergency relief workers are expected to begin ambling into the Gulf Coast region as early as this weekend. "They should be getting the trucks good and warmed up anytime now, and they'll be cruising into town just as soon as all the reservists stroll in," said Brown, who is currently at his desk awaiting offers of food, water, and evacuation buses to roll in from "somewhere or other."

Refugees Moved From Sewage-Contaminated Superdome To Hellhole Of Houston

HOUSTON—Evacuees from the overheated, filth-encrusted wreckage of the New Orleans Superdome were bussed to the humid, 110-degree August heat and polluted air of Houston last week, in a move that many are resisting. "Please, God, not Houston. Anyplace but Houston," said one woman, taking shelter under an overpass. "The food there is awful, and the weather is miserable. And the traffic—it's like some engineer was making a sick joke." Authorities apologized for transporting survivors to a city "barely better in any respect," but said the blistering-hot, oil-soaked Texas city was in fact slightly better, and that casualties due to gunfire would be no worse.

White Foragers Report Threat Of Black Looters

NEW ORLEANS—Throughout the Gulf Coast, Caucasian suburbanites attempting to gather food and drink in the shattered wreckage of shopping districts have reported seeing African­Americans "looting snacks and beer from damaged businesses." "I was in the abandoned Wal-Mart gathering an air mattress so I could float out the potato chips, beef jerky, and Budweiser I'd managed to find," said white survivor Lars Wrightson, who had carefully selected foodstuffs whose salt and alcohol content provide protection against contamination. "Then I look up, and I see a whole family of [African-Americans] going straight for the booze. Hell, you could see they had already looted a fortune in diapers." Radio stations still in operation are advising store owners and white people in the affected areas to locate firearms in sporting-goods stores in order to protect themselves against marauding blacks looting gun shops.

Another Saints Season Ruined Before It Begins

NEW ORLEANS—Front-office executives of the New Orleans Saints football team provided a much-needed dose of normalcy Monday when they announced that, for the 23rd year running, the Saints season had been ruined before it began. "I'd say this is even worse than when Mike Ditka traded away all our draft picks to get Ricky Williams," said Saints vice president of pro-personnel operations Bill Kuharich. "But there's one thing we Saints can always rely on: our chances for a winning season being shitcanned before we play a single down. We're proud to have carried on with this tradition despite everything." The National Football League has declined the Saints' "mercy rule" request to be allowed to forfeit all their home games, saying the team must set an example for its home city by being blown out in every contest.

Shrimp Joint Now Shrimp Habitat

NEW ORLEANS—Big Etienne's, a popular stop for New Orleans-style jambalaya, shrimp po' boys, and gumbo, has become a near-perfect habitat for Penaeus setiferus, the ubiquitous white shrimp used in jambalaya, shrimp po' boys, and gumbo. "It's far too early to call this a bright side, but the restaurant's location on the Delta, combined with its rickety, shabby-chic fisherman's décor, have combined to create a serviceable ecosystem for this particular species of marine life," said Juanita Colon of the Federal Department of Fisheries. Colon said if floodwaters recede significantly, many New Orleans parking lots would be suitable locations for the cultivation of dirty rice.

Bush Urges Victims To Gnaw On Bootstraps For Sustenance

WASHINGTON, DC—In an emergency White House address Sunday, President Bush urged all people dying from several days without food and water in New Orleans to "tap into the American entrepreneurial spirit" and gnaw on their own bootstraps for sustenance. "Government handouts are not the answer," Bush said. "I believe in smaller government, which is why I have drastically cut welfare and levee upkeep. I encourage you poor folks to fill yourself up on your own bootstraps. Buckle down, and tear at them like a starving animal." Responding to reports that many Katrina survivors have lost everything in the disaster, Bush said, "Only when you work hard and chew desperately on your own footwear can you live the American dream."

On a less serious note

A friend sent this along, and I couldn't help but be amused:

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Still crying

Because I'm such a fucking crybaby. And my getting upset doesn't do the victims of Katrina any good, and that just makes me feel worse.

It's all so fucking depressing, from the suicides of two New Orleans police officers to evacuees forced to leave behind their pets to conservatives blaming the victims to the larger horror of nationwide poverty.

This is just too much. I'm going to bed now.

Sorry for not being funny. Sometimes I just don't have any funniness in me. Maybe I'm a hypocrite because there are always terrible things going on, and there's no reason I should suddenly lose my sense of humor now.

But it's not that I haven't been having fun recently--it's just that when I go online and look at the news and the blogs I usually read and get ideas from, it's all tragedy and incompetence and too much that's depressing and whatever I might find or make up about the sex lives of politicians seems tiny in comparison.

So maybe the real me is coming though a little more than it usually does. Oh well. Maybe I'll go back to making dirty puns when this all blows over (see, I just made one) and maybe I won't. I'm too tired to figure it out right now. I feel like I shouldn't be so much myself in such a public forum, that I should be keeping up the Boinkette persona, but right now I just can't.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Just overwhelmed right now...

"Read Bob Herbert and cry," my mom said this morning as she looked through the paper.

"I already read Frank Rich and cried," I said. "Literally."

I cried for the city and the coast that didn't have to be destroyed by Katrina.

I cried for the lives lost due to the sheer fucking incompetence of this administration. This was not a matter of left or right, just sheer fucking incompetence.

I cried because a part of me had always known that Bush would leave our country vulnerable, whether to a terrorist attack or some other disaster. That was the part of me that canvassed in New Hampshire before and on Election Day, desperately trying to prevent the reelection of an incompetent, ideological, uncaring president. That was the part of me that sobbed like a baby at 3 a.m. when the networks called Ohio for Bush and I know that not only the Democrats but America had lost.

I wished like hell that Kerry or Gore were president--I knew that even the indecisive, overthinking Kerry could never have been as slow to respond to a catastrophe as Bush was. If Kerry were president, the Louisiana and Missisippi National Guard would be ready to help their home states rather than fighting an unecessary war in Iraq. And surely a Democratic Congress could not have turned such a blind eye to funding levee maintenance and hurricane preparation in the first place, an omission that was a direct result of Reagan-inspired small-government Republicanism.

But even that might not have been enough to prevent the unnecessary tragedy of Katrina.

I cried for the social inequality that allowed thousands of the underpriveleged to be left behind while their wealthier neighbors fled the storm. So much for No Child Left Behind.

I cried for the country that never cared enough about its poor to elect a government that would protect them, a government that might have sent buses or trains or planes so that no resident would be unable to follow the decree of mandatory evacuation.

I cried for the racial divide that meant that, despite decades of civil rights efforts, the residents stranded in the flooding city were mainly poor and black.

I cried for the failures on so many levels, so many more than I can list here, that led New Orleans to become the living hell it is now.

I don't know what to do anymore but cry.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Yeah, I haven't been posting in a while

I've been busy, with a bit of blogger's block to boot.

But I'm sure eventually some tidbit of dirty news will catch my eye again and inspire the usual joke-cracking and innuendo.

So be patient, and in the meantime, have fun!